


Red Shift

by LaTessitrice



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-06
Updated: 2011-10-06
Packaged: 2017-10-24 08:59:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 29,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/261509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LaTessitrice/pseuds/LaTessitrice
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fearing for the wolves and Charlie, Bella realises she can't wait for Victoria to attack the people she loves. Diverges from New Moon at the end of chapter 14.</p><div class="center">
<br/><img/></div>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to one of my Fandom Gives Back offerings, won by Horizon77. She got to choose whatever she wanted, so she gave me a prompt requesting a healthy dose of Carlisle (I'll post the prompt in a couple of chapters time, when it's less spoilery).
> 
> It resulted in this, what was meant to be a one shot except it, er, mutated. But I got to right a few wrongs from the original story.
> 
> This diverges from the end of chapter 14 in New Moon – just after Bella has found out that Jacob is a wolf, met the pack and they have decided to kill Victoria. At this point, Bella hasn't really seen the wolves in action and although she knows that they killed Laurent, she's not convinced they are safe if they go up against Victoria. You might want to re-read the section immediately before to refresh your memory.
> 
> All canon pairings. So, no, Bella and Carlisle won't be hooking up.
> 
> Thanks to my betas Octoberland and Solar Eclipses for making this less of a hot mess, and le_rameau for talking me through it when it was in the plot bunny stages.
> 
> All copyright belongs to Stephenie Meyer. I have no legal rights, own no copyright and play in her universe only because she's good enough to let us.

**Red Shift**

1.

That night, my dreams shifted again. The wolves were up against a vampire — a very specific vampire: red-haired and red-eyed, teeth bared as she lunged for Jacob's throat, the carcasses of the other wolves strewn around her. I watched my sun burn out.

I woke up screaming again. The final image followed me into consciousness: Emily's grief-stricken face as she beheld Sam's fallen body.

It didn't matter what Jacob said about the wolves being able to fight vampires. It didn't matter that they'd gotten lucky with Laurent. Victoria was different. She could only be stopped by her own kind: other vampires. The problem was that the only vampires I knew no longer wanted to know me.

Sleep didn't come again easy, but I did eventually succumb, and with my dreams came a solution. I dreamed of the sterile, white walls of a hospital — not the clinic in Forks, one I didn't recognize at all, a generic representation of one. I was all alone, free to roam the bleached hallways. Down one of those corridors, I came face to face with a brass name plate on an office door.

 _Dr. Carlisle Cullen_

I was awake once more, the beginnings of a plan stirring. There was one Cullen who would be easier to trace than all the others, because wherever he was, he'd be practicing his calling. If he knew that Victoria was placing the people of Forks in danger, he'd do what he could to help, no matter what Ed —  _his_ feelings towards me were.

I gave up on sleep. The sooner I started my search, the sooner I'd be able to find Carlisle, and the safer the wolves would be. I paced as I waited for the computer to boot up. This could be an exercise in futility, but I had to try.

I took to the chair when Google was ready, foot tapping on the floor as I tried to find an outlet for the nervous energy coursing through me. First things first...

Type  _Dr. Carlisle Cullen_. Click  _Search_. Wait the interminable milliseconds for the results page to load.

There were plenty of entries about him, from Forks and Alaska — nothing the outside world couldn't afford to know and, interestingly, no photographs. Unfortunately, there was nothing about a new location. The most recent mention was dated last August, just before the Cullens left Forks.

I didn't wait for disappointment to take hold. I'd expected this. Even if they didn't need to change their names with this move, surely  _he_  would have insisted that they did it anyway.

 _Dr. Carlisle Platt_  was a paleontologist in Brazil.

 _Dr. Carlisle Whitlock_  was a pensioner in Lancashire and not a doctor of any kind.

 _Dr. Carlisle Hale_

It looked like Rosalie had won the fight to use her name this time. The butterflies in my stomach erupted in flight as soon as I saw the results. There he was, listed on the 'News' page of a clinic in Ithaca, the story dating from October.

 _We welcome the newest member of staff to Creek View Medical Practice. Dr. Hale is a graduate of Cornell University Medical School and joins us after spending several years working with Doctors Without Borders._

There was nothing conclusive to prove that it really was Carlisle, but I knew. It seemed almost too easy, yet I'd done it. I'd found him.

Now I just had to make contact.

I doubted the Cullens' phone number would be listed, so calling him wasn't an option. Spring Break started in a couple of days, so I could go to Ithaca myself, but I didn't have the money for a flight, and my truck probably wouldn't make a trans-American journey intact.

The best I could hope for was to email him. The clinic's website didn't give individual email addresses for the staff, but there was a 'Contact Us' page with a form to fill in.

 _Dr. Hale,_

 _Victoria is back in Forks and eager to see you._

 _IS._

I hoped it would be enough for Carlisle to grasp the situation.

The sun was up by this point, and I had enough time to shower before heading to school. My anxiety must have been flowing over, because Angela kept asking if I was okay, and after I spent the whole of English tapping my pen on the desk, Mike told me I should drink less caffeine.

At lunch, I made my way to the library, going as fast as I dared without skidding on the shiny corridor floors so I could snag a PC and check my emails. I held my breath waiting for the program to load, letting it out only when I could see the senders of my unread messages: Renee, and three companies I was on the mailing lists for. Not what I was looking for.

Well, maybe Carlisle hadn't seen it yet.

 _Maybe he'll ignore it._

I hushed the mental voice. I didn't believe that. He knew what kind of danger Victoria posed to everyone in the town. He wouldn't be able to bear the weight of any deaths she caused.

The pasta I was cooking for dinner that evening nearly burned when I heard the 'ping' from my room that announced a new message — I'd turned the speakers up full volume so I'd be able to hear the sound as I cooked. The email just turned out to be from Mike, suggesting another movie night. I deleted it and scribbled down the phone number of the clinic instead. If I hadn't gotten a response by lunchtime tomorrow, I was calling them.

I performed the same routine at lunch the next day, taking ten minutes in the library before heading to the cafeteria and begging Jessica to borrow her cell phone.

"I'll pay you back, but I really need to make this call."

"Well, sure," she said, curiosity lighting up her features. "Who are you calling?"

"It's this thing, for my dad — he can't see it on the phone bill."

It was easy to see that she didn't believe my pathetic attempt at a lie. "Are you okay? You've been weird the past few days."

"I'm fine, really. Thanks." I took the phone from her outstretched hand and headed out to the back of the school, away from any eager ears.

"Good afternoon, Creek View." The woman who answered sounded blandly professional and more than a little bored.

"Hi, I'm calling to talk to Dr. Hale."

"He's not here right now. Can I take a message?"

"I already sent one by email. Do you know if it's been passed on to him?"

"I'm afraid that I'm not able to tell you that."

"Well, do you have a number I can call him on directly? Or an email address? It's really important that I get hold of him."

"I'm sorry, honey, but I'm just not allowed to give that sort of information." She did sound sorry, too. Maybe it was because I was pleading. "Are you sure you don't want to leave that message?"

"No. Thanks." I didn't trust myself to say something that wouldn't, somehow, imply that Carlisle was anything more than a suburban doctor.

I hung up and deleted the number from the call history so Jessica couldn't look at it when I gave her the phone back.

"So, how did it go?" she asked when I re-entered the cafeteria.

"Fine. Thanks. Let me know when you get the bill, and I'll give you the money. See you in Spanish." I couldn't wait around for the Inquisition, and I wanted to make the most of the last of my lunch break. The PCs in the library were all taken by that point, so I headed for the maps instead.

It looked like I was going to Ithaca to find Carlisle in person.

I came home to an empty house, and a note from Charlie. It was perfect, since I had time to get my laundry done and pack for the trip. I'd go to the bank in the morning and empty out what was left of my saving account, then set off, taking the map I'd checked out of the library and praying the truck would make it.

When the dryer beeped to let me know the first load was done, I took my duffle bag to the utility room with me, ready to shove everything straight into it.

"Bella? Are you going somewhere?"

I screamed and dropped the bag, backing up against the wall.

Carlisle raised his hands and stood perfectly still. Inhumanly still.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you," he said softly.

It took me a moment to collect my senses, to take in everything about him. These past few months, spending time with human friends and the wolves, I'd come to get used to the small, subtle constant changes in people — haircuts, tans, weight changes and other perpetual, minor evolutions. Carlisle looked exactly the same.

"No, it's okay," I replied, my voice hoarse. "I wasn't expecting…anyone."

I wanted to reach out and touch him, to make sure that he was real, but dropped my arms back to my sides. That would only make me want to hug him, and he wasn't here for me. He was here to stop Victoria. I had to focus on breathing, the ache in my lungs fresh and raw, like the wound should have been visible on the outside. Why wasn't I bleeding? Why couldn't you see the cavity where my heart had been ripped away? Because it felt like I'd just been torn open again.

It took a lot of strength to speak. "I guess you got my message."

He nodded gravely, and my last memory of him popped into my head — sewing stitches in my arm after my ill-fated birthday party. I closed my eyes against the memory, almost reaching up to touch the scars that were like Braille in my skin.

"I left as soon the message was passed to me. The family is somewhat scattered at the moment, so Esme is trying to collect everyone together, and they'll join us as soon as they can. It shouldn't be more than a few days. Then we'll decide what we need to do about the situation."

"Everyone?" I whispered. That, I hadn't anticipated. Surely  _he_  wouldn't return, no matter what was going on.

Carlisle gave me a sad smile. "She'll try."

I nodded, fighting back the tears. It wouldn't do me any good to cry.

"Perhaps there's somewhere more comfortable we can talk?" he suggested, and I nodded, retrieving the bag from the floor and leaving it on the counter. "Why were you packing?"

"I was coming to find you." The plan became foolish as soon as the words left my mouth, but surely he would understand my motivation.

"As determined as you ever were, I see." There was something a little sad in the smile he offered me.

I led him to the living room, ready to offer something to drink, when I realized how dumb that was. Strange how soon I'd become unused to being around vampires. He'd offered the comfortable setting for my benefit, not his.

"You could have called to warn me," I said, trying not to sound churlish.

"I considered it, but decided against it. When we last saw you, you didn't have a cell phone, and if I called the house, it would likely have been Charlie who answered. No matter how cordial our relationship has been in the past, I doubted he would have been happy to hear from me."

"Huh." I curled up on the couch, but that nervous energy was still there, forcing my foot to bounce against the carpet.

"I'm surprised it took you so long to find me, actually, although I regret the circumstances that apparently forced you to look."

"Yeah, I thought it would be harder," I mumbled. "It was almost too easy."

"Bella, did it not occur to you that we might  _want_  to be found?"

I stared at him, the pieces not connecting in my brain. Of course they hadn't wanted me to find them. What a strange thing to suggest.

"We…were requested to choose a completely new name in case you did try to look for us. I declined on the basis that it was too short notice to construct an entirely new identity, but that wasn't the real reason we chose something so obvious. I never agreed with the decision to leave you the way we did —  _none_  of us did — and I knew there'd come a time when you'd want to look for us."

"But why would you want me to find you?" I pushed the tears away from my cheeks with my fingers, my throat tight as I tried to swallow them back. "When he decided he didn't…well, of course you'd go—"

"Bella," he said gently, "he lied to you."

"I know." I couldn't hold the tears back anymore. "He said he'd never leave and that he'd love me forever, but—"

"Shhh." He was on the couch beside me, one hand awkwardly patting my shoulder and the other holding out a pristine handkerchief. "That's not want I meant. I mean he lied to you when he left."

I held up my hands, shrugging him away. "You don't have to say things like that. I'm not looking for p-p-pity. I just want to make sure everyone is out of danger, and then you can leave. I won't come looking for any of you again."

He stared at me, unblinking, for a long minute.

"He never did understand why you believed him so easily when he told you he was leaving," he said eventually. "We all argued against his decision. We knew what it would do to you — to both of you — but he was stubborn in his belief that it was in your best interests. In the end, we could only agree to his demands, mainly because we thought you would see through his words and call his bluff, or you would seek us out as soon as we left. However, it seems you took his lies to heart."

"How could I not?" I whispered. "It never made sense that he was with me. It was inevitable that you all left."

"His love for you made every sense, Bella. You were his only light in many, many years of shadows."

"I'm sure he's doing fine without me." My words were more small than they were bitter.

Carlisle shook his head. "Truth be told, I haven't seen him in months, but I know that's not true. You, at least, have made an effort to get on with your life, it seems. He was practically catatonic by the time we'd left the state. Edward—" I winced at the sound of the name "—has been returned to the empty twilight he lived in before, only it's worse for him now. He knows what it's like to live in the light."

"Then why  _go_?"

"Because he's stubborn, too stubborn to listen to the advice of those of us who know what it is to be parted from our mates. For all his years of life, in the end he's only a seventeen-year-old boy, and sometimes fear takes him back to the emotional maturity and clarity any human boy has. He feared for you. He feared what could happen to you, at his hand, at ours, and although he never voiced it aloud, I think he feared that eventually you would wear his arguments down and convince him to change you."

I curled up, arms round my legs and head on my knees, twisting the handkerchief in my hands. It sounded so rational in Carlisle's calm voice.

"Even if you don't believe me about Edward's true feelings, believe me when I say that we've all missed you. As a sister, as a daughter. You always will be a welcome part of the family."

His words triggered a rush of images of the family I'd lost, and I gave up fighting the tears. He let me cry myself out, and I was aware of his hand stroking my arm, his touch the most comfort I'd had in months.

When I'd calmed, he spoke again.

"I presume that Victoria has returned for revenge after what happened to James?"

I nodded. "Laurent told me." He looked at me sharply but didn't interrupt. "Apparently she wants a mate for a mate, even if I don't qualify anymore."

"Victoria knows as well as anyone how deep the bond goes. She knows that even if Edward has left, it would still destroy him to lose you."

"Well, I haven't seen her, which is why I'm even still alive. She's killed a bunch of people in the woods, and now Charlie is out there searching for the animal they think did it. I'm scared she's going to kill more people, and it'll be my fault."

"We won't let that happen," he said firmly. "When everyone else is here, we can devise a plan to capture her."

"You have willing bait if you need it."

He gave me a reproachful look, and I ducked my head.

"Actually, it's occurred to me that there may be a way I can convince you of Edward's true feelings — something he told me when we first got to Ithaca."

I shook my head, hugging my legs tighter. Hope was like a soap bubble fluttering in my belly. I wanted to reach out and grasp it, but it was too delicate. Even too heavy a breath would burst it.

"Please, Bella. It's important that you know this." I sighed but crawled off the sofa and followed him out of the living room, up the stairs. "Are you okay with me being in your bedroom?" he asked when we reached my door and I shoved it open, gesturing him in.

"It's nice that you ask. Some people never did."

He smiled. "Sadly, I was never responsible for instilling manners in any of my children. That was down to their human parents."

I led him inside, wincing at the chaos I'd left as I packed. He headed for the closet, getting on his knees to tap at the floorboards under the assorted junk I'd thrown in there. With this back to me, I couldn't properly see what he was going, but a moment later, he was back before me, holding out a handful of items to me.

"Dust bunnies. Thanks." Apparently now I'd got the crying out of the way, sarcasm had taken over. Somewhere there was a psychology textbook explaining this as a way of me keeping disappointment at arm's length.

Carlisle shot me another look and blew to get rid of the dust, then held out a CD case to me.

"This is—" I began, flipping it over like it would make more sense if I turned it around enough. One more 360-degree rotation, and it would be a normal CD: Muse or Linkin Park or something I'd thrown into the closet because it reminded me of  _him_. But the case stayed blank, pristine, except for the film of dust and the too-familiar cursive in black pen on the disc itself.

Carlisle passed me something else — a photograph, creased down the middle. Me and  _him_  in those last few days.

"I don't understand," I mumbled. Because I didn't.

"Edward told me he hid these things here as a way to remain close to you. He said it was like leaving a piece of himself behind with you."

I stared at the photo, unconsciously moving my finger to touch  _his_  face. It was the first time I'd seen it in months, and while it was like a kick to the stomach, the hope bubble seemed to be doing well, swelling rather than popping back into bitter disappointment.

Carlisle was telling the truth. Of course he was telling the truth. This was the man I trusted, in a way, more than any other member of the Cullen family. He held the strongest moral compass of anyone I'd ever met, vampire or human. He'd never lied to me.

Edward had lied before.

"It's true," I whispered, discovering the truth in the words as I said them. "He didn't mean what he said when he left."

Carlisle rested his hand on my shoulder as the photo trembled in my hands. The world shifted around me, struggling to right itself, my understanding of everything that had happened in the last few months quaking and creaking.

He loved me.

But he still left.

Every time I repeated the revelation in my head, the latter thought snapped on its heels, prodding at the bubble of hope until it shrank. Yes, he loved me. But right now, it didn't mean anything. He wasn't here. He'd still thought it was better that we were apart.

I jolted at a sudden buzzing, and Carlisle flipped his cell phone open with an apologetic glance my way.

"Yes, I'm here, I've — what have you seen?"

 _Alice._

"Really? How soon?" He listened, and I could hear the tinny, staccato words through the speaker, even if they were too fast for me to follow. She was done in less than a minute, and Carlisle's face had been still throughout, too perfect a mask to show any emotions. He hung up and his entire demeanor had changed, from comforting and gentle to tense and anxious.

"Alice?" I prompted.

"Yes. Victoria is going to come to the house tonight after catching my scent — she'll know it's one of us and that will intrigue her enough to follow it. I won't be able to protect you on my own. I'll be too distracted trying to protect you and your father."

"Charlie!"

"The best way to protect him is to not be here. While Alice was talking, I had the idea to take you to the closest property we own outside of Forks, and as far as she can see, it's a good idea. We need to leave a false trail between here and our house. Victoria will try to track us and leave Charlie in peace. Hopefully by the time she finds us, we'll have reinforcements."

"Then we need to go.  _Now._  Charlie could be home any minute."

"I'll get your bag. Do you have a passport?"

"Yes, it's up here somewhere, why—"

"We're crossing the Canadian border."

"Okay. I'll find it."

"Meet me downstairs." He disappeared — literally vanished in that way only vampires were capable of — and I rummaged through my drawers, shoving my passport in my pocket when I had it. I stumbled down the stairs as fast as I dared without risking a fall. Carlisle was waiting with the bag in his hand, his usually smoothed-back hair ruffled up.

"I need to leave Charlie a note." I found a pen and a scrap of paper and scribbled something about going to a friend's house for Spring Break, leaving it on the kitchen table. It wasn't a plausible excuse by a long shot, and Charlie would freak when he read it, but I'd face that when I had to.

"I'm going to need to carry you," he said, handing me the bag, which I slung over my shoulder. We exited through the back door and he stood on the bottom step so I could loop my arms around his neck, before he lifted me and I wrapped my legs around his waist.

"I always hated travelling this way," I mumbled.

"Closing your eyes should help," he replied, and I did, tucking my head into his neck, trying not to breathe in that familiar, sweet smell. It wasn't the same as Edward's, but it was so close. I kept my eyes firmly shut through the whirlwind of movement, the ground rocking beneath me and cool wind whipping at my hair. When he stopped, he gave me a few moments to allow the world to stop spinning before releasing his grip so I could sink to the ground.

I kept my eyes shut. I didn't want to see the house; I didn't trust my reaction.

"It's okay, Bella," he said softly. "We're going straight into the garage then we'll be out of here."

He took my hand and led me through a door we must have been right next to. I relaxed my eyelids, squinting through my lashes. The garage was fine. I'd hardly spent any time in here. There was little chance of me having an emotional breakdown.

Inside, it was dark; the lights out and the space around us full of black, looming shapes. The cars.

"You left them all here?" I whispered. I wasn't sure why I was whispering, but the room had that quiet, still sense to it, like an empty church.

"We had no choice," he replied, his own voice hushed. "We left so quickly that we took very little with us."

"Oh."

I followed him to the farthest shape, which was taller and bulkier than the others, and my eyes adjusted enough to recognize it as Emmett's jeep. I ignored the gleam of silver from the corner of my eye. They really had left  _everything_.

Carlisle helped me into the passenger seat, and I fumbled with the elaborate harness while he slid the bag onto the backseat. The inside of the car was sweetly fragrant, and I inhaled without thinking. Just one more thing I'd missed. He climbed in the driver's side and let the engine rumble to life. The lights blinked on and I recoiled at the sudden brightness. He clicked something on the key ring, and the garage doors began sliding open.

And Victoria was stood between them.

The flash of red was the first thing I saw, but Carlisle was already reacting, his foot on the accelerator. The jeep lurched forward fast enough that if it weren't for the safety harness, I would have been thrown out of my seat. She dived out of the way as he drove at her, and he flipped a switch, locking the doors to the jeep.

I thought we were free as the car barreled out of the garage out onto the driveway. Gravel whipped up and spat out by the tires, ricocheting angrily from the bodywork. Then I heard the creak of metal and the heavy thud overhead.

I looked up to see black eyes glaring down through the sunroof, sharp nails slicing into the glass like it was butter.

"Carlisle!"

He didn't take his eyes off the road, elegant profile turned to me, fingers gripping the steering wheel. The screech of steel on glass came again, and I glanced back up to see the sunroof being peeled away.

"Carlisle!"

The jeep swerved into the tree line.

With her reflexes and strength she should have been able to hold on, but as Victoria twisted away to avoid a sturdy, low-lying branch, hanging on by one hand from the roll bar, Carlisle yanked the steering wheel so we revolved a half-circle. I saw a streak of red and white spinning away behind us onto the lawn, the momentum rolling her fifty yards. Carlisle didn't wait for her to rise to her feet and give chase; the jeep was already back on the pavement, driving impossibly fast and handling the curves of the narrow road with ease.

His phone rang again, and he handed it to me without looking, his attention still split between the road ahead and the red-haired demon leaping through the trees behind us.

We turned onto the main road, and he was able to press the accelerator down flat, as I answered the phone with trembling hands.

"Bella, Charlie's future just disappeared," Alice said, her voice high with panic.

My heart flew into my throat.

"Do you see—"

"I don't mean that I see him die. He's just in the house, and then his future goes blank."

"What about Victoria's? Can you see hers?"

"Yes, she doesn't go anywhere near Charlie." She spoke so fast it was hard to follow. "I don't understand it. She chases you through the forest and then her future goes blank too. You get away, but I don't know  _how_."

"I'll call you back." I hung up and dialed Jake's number from memory, ignoring Alice's attempt to call again.

Billy answered. "Where are they?" I asked, and the note of terror in my voice made him answer without questions.

"The pack's out searching for the redhead. They caught her scent not too long ago."

"You need to get hold of them and tell them to watch Charlie."

"What do you mean? Bella, where are you?"

"I'm going away to make sure she doesn't hurt anyone. Call them off; tell them it's more important that they protect Charlie right now. Please, Billy. I've got my own protection."

"Bella," Billy's voice went cold as he realized what I meant by protection. "What am I supposed to tell Charlie? Why can't you trust us to protect you?"

"I'm sorry, Billy. You all mean too much to me. Can you make sure Jake knows that? I did this for him. Tell Charlie — well, maybe it's best if you pretend you don't know anything."

"Bella!"

"Bye, Billy." I hung up.

Because I'd realized something as I spoke to him. I wasn't just saying goodbye for a little while. I was saying goodbye forever. I wouldn't be coming back to Forks.


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who read the first chapter of this, for your encouragement . Also thank you to my betas Octoberland and Solar Eclipses for ironing out the British English, catching my prolific typing errors and giving food for thought.
> 
> Extra special thanks to JHorizon77 for lighting the touchpaper on this story with her prompt.

**2.**

Dusk had arrived, but I could still see the vibrant flash of vermilion in the trees. Victoria was keeping pace with the jeep, despite the fact that looking at the speedometer made me wince. Carlisle might not have Edward's penchant for speed, but he wasn't shying away from it either. We were lucky there was little traffic around, and the cops were too busy hunting in the woods for killer bears to be watching out for speeders.

"I take it from your conversation with Billy Black that there's a new generation of werewolves among the Quileutes?" Carlisle asked, breaking the silence.

"Yeah." I kept the phone in my hand in case Alice called back, scrolling through the list of contacts aimlessly. Talking was easier than thinking about what Alice had just said. She'd told me Charlie was safe, and I had to trust her. There was nothing else I could do, and going back would just put him directly in danger. While Victoria was following us, we were leading her away from him. "They said they could handle Victoria, but they're just teenagers. All of them. I mean, they look older, but inside they're just boys. They think it's fun; they don't really understand the danger they're in."

"You know you're just a teenager, too."

"Technically, yes, but I've always felt older. I know that I'm not making the rash decisions that they do."

Edward's name appeared on the screen, just one name among many, and I ran my thumb over it before I realized what I was doing, resuming scrolling as soon as I did.

"You've spent time with them?" Carlisle's voice was neutral. I remembered Jake's speech about the cold ones being the wolves' natural enemy – would Carlisle would be angry despite the truce?

"Jacob – that's Billy's son – he's been really good to me. I don't know how I would have survived without them. Literally. They saved me from Laurent."

"Fraternizing with werewolves. Edward will love that." Carlisle seemed amused rather than angry. I thought I could even detect a note of sarcasm, a definite first for him.

"Why? Has he got something against them?" I bristled, ready to defend them.

"Against werewolves? Not especially. I'm thinking more about Edward's…protective side."

"They  _were_ protecting me."

"I don't think he's going to see it that way, unfortunately. Werewolves, especially young ones, tend to be unpredictable. They're prone to mercurial moods and outbursts of temper. They can pose a danger to the people around them while they're still getting used to their strength."

"You know me, I love danger. And wouldn't that be a little hypocritical coming from a vampire?"

"I'm not saying that you shouldn't have spent time with them. I'm just anticipating Edward's response."

"Whatever happened with the wolves couldn't have been worse than getting a paper cut in a room full of vampires."

Carlisle didn't smile. I flipped the phone shut, and a moment later it lit up with a message from Alice.

 _J and I are on our way. It'll be okay, I promise._

"How can she know that?" I asked after I read it out, bouncing my feet as the nervous energy came rushing back. "How can she possibly know that when she didn't even see the paper cut happening?"

"Alice's visions are far from flawless," Carlisle replied. "The future is too much of an unknown quantity, too dependent on conflicting variables, too formless to pin down. I fear we grew too trusting in her ability. Nevertheless, that doesn't mean we can't place a measure of trust when she is actively searching our immediate futures."

"But she said she couldn't see Charlie's future. Right now, she has this huge gaping hole, and I don't know if he's going to be alright. I don't know if this is going to be worth it."

He gave me a sharp look, detecting the meaning beneath my words then glanced back in the side mirror, distracted by whatever he saw there. I checked too then twisted in my seat to stare through the rear windshield.

Victoria was in the middle of the road, her hair bright in the gloom, surrounded by a ring of wolves. As the jeep rounded a curve in the road, one took a leap at her. She used his body as a launch pad to spring from, disappearing back into the dense cover of the trees.

"No!" I yelled, as if they would hear me. "They were supposed to stay away from her!"

They were already out of sight, and Carlisle didn't slow the car down. "It may be what we need to get you away without her chasing us."

"They could get hurt!" I protested. "We should go back."

"I'm sorry, Bella. The wolves can protect themselves. If you're there, the chances of them getting hurt vastly increase. She was trying to escape from them – our turning around will lure her back and result in a fight."

I dropped my head into my hands. This was what I had been trying to avoid. His phone buzzed again; another message from Alice.

 _I can see her future again. She's heading deep into the forest, away from Forks for now._

"She escapes," I told him. He nodded. I didn't feel any calmer – just because nothing had happened this time, didn't mean it couldn't. They'd keep pursuing Victoria, and because we'd evaded her, she'd surely return to Forks.

"It's interesting that her future disappeared when she crossed paths with the wolves," Carlisle said thoughtfully, trying to distract me. "And it bodes well for your father."

"You think Alice can't see the wolves?"

"It's a possibility. You asked Billy to send the wolves to protect him."

"But Alice told me his future disappeared before I asked him to do that."

"And you think the wolves wouldn't have done that anyway?"

He had a point, but it didn't make me any less uneasy. If there was a fight between Victoria and the wolves, or the wolves were too close if Victoria decided to attack Charlie, Alice wouldn't see it coming.

"Speaking of Billy…you sounded very final when you spoke to him."

"I guess I did." I leaned my head against the glass of the window. I wasn't used to my nerves being this on edge, not for months. Apart from brief moments of exhilaration when I'd been seeking the company of my hallucinations of energy, I'd been mostly numb. I'd forgotten how feeling alive meant sometimes feeling overwhelmed.

Carlisle kept quiet, waiting to see whether I would finish the thought or elaborate. When it became clear I wasn't going to continue, he spoke instead.

"You know, there's nothing stopping you from returning to Forks when this situation is resolved. It may be difficult explaining your disappearance to your father, but that wouldn't mean you couldn't go back at all."

"I know. It's not just that." I took a deep breath and looked at him. "I've made up my mind."

He didn't ask me what I'd made up my mind about. "Bella, this isn't something you should decide in the space of an hour. You need time to think about it, weigh up your options."

"That's just it; I already made this decision months ago. Edward just wouldn't listen to it." Saying his name aloud for the first time in months was like speaking around shards of broken glass in my throat. I had to pause before I could speak again. "The only thing that changed was the fact that you left and that meant I had no choice except to stay as I was. That was never what I wanted."

He stayed quiet, the furrow of his brow indicating he was thinking, until the trees thinned out and we reached the outskirts of Port Angeles. We drove to the docks, and still the only words Carlisle said were to the woman at the ticket booth as he bought us tickets to Vancouver Island. We climbed back into the car and waited for the next ferry to arrive with Carlisle still lost in his thoughts. I let mine wander too, to the choice I had in front of me.

I could go back to Charlie. I'd be grounded until I graduated - at least - but I'd have some time to properly say goodbye to him. I could use the tickets to Jacksonville that I'd gotten for my birthday, the ones I'd forgotten even existed until tonight, to go see Renee one last time. I didn't have to give them up just yet.

But it felt like I had to do this now.  _Carpe diem_. My life had been on hold since Edward left and it effectively remain on hold until I became like him; how could I plan for the future when I was waiting for the change to happen so my life with him could truly begin? I had an opportunity to change that and I needed to seize it, even though the thought of never seeing my parents again made my throat ache with unshed tears.

"You should still take some time to think this over," he said as I sat twisting my fingers together, failing to find another outlet for my nerves. I'd curled my legs under me on the seat to keep my feet still. "You can't reverse this once it's done, and Edward will take it badly if you come to regret it in any small way. He'll blame himself."

"Why would he blame himself? This hasn't got anything to do with him."

Carlisle raised an eyebrow and I blushed under his skepticism.

"Okay, it has  _something_  to do with him," I conceded. "I don't feel whole without him, and if he feels the same…well, it's inevitable we should be together. Keeping me human just seems like delaying the inevitable."

"So you don't want him to change you himself?"

"He wouldn't do it," I whispered, not answering the actual question. "You know he wouldn't."

"Bella," he said, patient and kind, "I know you'd want it to be him. If you wait for Victoria to be dealt with by Jasper, it's something you can discuss when you see Edward again. Given everything that's happened, you might find his attitude towards changing you has altered."

"It won't. You know it won't!" I slammed my hands down on the dashboard. "This is never going to end - Victoria is going to keep coming after me. Even if you're right and Jasper can kill her, it won't change Edward's mind, and it won't change the fact that I attract danger."

I thrust my arm out towards him, showing the scars criss crossing my skin from all the times I'd fallen down and cut myself.

"One day, something's going to happen that Alice won't see and none of you will be able to prevent. He's always going to want to keep me this way, but I'm too vulnerable. If I'm already changed then he can't try to dissuade me, can't delay it, and he can't interfere. This is my choice and I won't let him make another decision for me based on what he thinks is best."

There was silence after my outburst. Carlisle started the engine as the ferry approached the dock.

"So you want me to do it?" he asked quietly. I nodded. "I'm honored that you'd put so much trust in me."

"Of course I do," I said. "I don't know of another person in the world that I would trust so implicitly."

"Even…?"

"After everything…yeah, even him."

It was true, and the truth was painful to admit. The look he gave me was weighted down with sadness.

"I need some time to think, myself," he said.

"I get that. You just need to know that this is what I want, Edward or no Edward."

We climbed out of the jeep when we were parked on the ferry and headed up to the indoor seats, finding a secluded corner of the deck. Carlisle checked his phone, but there was no signal, and we lapsed into silence. He was doing his thinking, and I was left to fiddle with the hem of my jacket, tapping my fingers on the plastic chair.

He glanced over at me once as I kicked my feet against the metal leg of the table. "Sorry. I should have brought a book or something," I said, stilling my feet.

"We could talk instead," he suggested. "I can think later."

"Okay." I was struggling to think of a time when I'd spent this much time with Carlisle – just Carlisle, when I wasn't being treated for injury.

"How have you been?" he asked gently. "I know things can't have been easy for you, given the way you reacted when I arrived. You seemed to be coping well, if you were scheming to come find us, but I doubt that was the full picture."

I twisted my fingers together in my lap. "No, it really wasn't," I admitted. "I was a wreck for the first few months. Charlie was preparing to send me to Jacksonville, to live with Renee, and that was the only thing I really reacted to. I just felt…hollow. There was nothing left of me except this shell, and it looked like me and it sounded like me, but it was empty and the only thing it was capable of feeling was this pain."

I looked away from his unflinching gaze, the empathy in his face. "I've been in a lot of accidents, Carlisle, and I've had my share of pain, but this was different. I've even had venom burning inside me, and that didn't compare. It was worse, and nothing could make it go away, not sleep, and not time. And I didn't have anyone to talk to, because everyone who understood had gone away…" I bit my lip to will the tears away. I'd already cried in front of Carlisle once today.

Instead, I told him about the wolves, and the motorbikes, and my visions of Edward. He didn't judge or react like Edward or Alice would have done. He just listened calmly, with acceptance, asking questions when he needed clarification and giving me room to speak when I needed it.

When I was done, he leaned in, cupping his hand under my chin, lifting my face so I was looking at him. I'd been staring at my lap through most of my speech.

"I'm sorry, Bella," he said, and there was sincerity in every word. "I'm sorry for all the pain we caused you."

I shrugged. "It wasn't your fault, was it?"

"No, but I could have done more to prevent it. As I've said, we all knew it wasn't the wisest course of action, and yet we went along with it anyway."

We lapsed back into silence until land appeared through the windows, and we headed back down to the car. I let him sink back into his thoughts as we drove off the ferry, getting our passports checked through the window and setting off into terrain that looked almost exactly like Washington.

"You know, I've never been outside the U.S.," I said. "And yet, here I am. In Canada."

He chuckled and steered us through the town – ironically named Victoria – and onto the highway. I watched the landscape roll by the window, which soon turned to forest, and I felt a pang in my gut as I realized I'd probably never see Washington again.

"Would you like to listen to some music?" Carlisle asked, interrupting the silence.

"I haven't really been into music since…well, you know. I've learned to like the quiet."

He gave me another searching look, one tinged with something close to shock, and I squirmed under his gaze.

"His leaving affected everything, didn't it?" he asked. "Every part of your life?"

"Yes," I murmured, and he shook his head.

"I knew he was underestimating the effect it would have on you, but I didn't predict just how badly it would affect you. Sometimes we forget that just because we feel more than humans, that sometimes we are capable of feeling emotions more keenly, that it doesn't mean you can't feel them as deeply as we do."

His phone vibrated and I retrieved it from my pocket, finding Alice's name flashing at me.

 _We're coming straight to B.C. We'll be there in two days. Charlie will be okay without us there to distract the wolves. If we go, it will start a war._

I sighed and leaned my head back against the seat, relaying the message to Carlisle.

"I suspect that Chief Black isn't happy that you've left the area with a vampire," Carlisle said grimly. "If other vampires turn up, the pack may turn on them. This way, we have some space to regroup and strategize. Not my forte, so waiting for Jasper is the best option, although I think we'll need to lure Victoria away from Forks towards us."

He turned the jeep off the highway onto a smaller road that cut into the forest. "We're almost at the house," he informed me. "I think you should know that I've reached a decision."

I didn't look at him, keeping my gaze firmly on the greenery brushing past the car, waiting for him to continue. If he was about to tell me he wasn't going to change me, I didn't want to see the pity on his face when he spoke.

"I agree with everything you've said and I understand it. The bond you feel for Edward runs deep, and it runs both ways. You are vulnerable, especially if we have conflict ahead of us, and if something were to happen to you, it would destroy him. I don't want to lose either of you, and I certainly won't lose both. I know you understand the consequences of this choice. If you want me to change you, I will."

"Thank you," I said in an exhale. If I could have hugged him, I would, but the safety harness kept me in my seat.

"Do you want to do this immediately?" he asked.

"I don't see any point in waiting. If we start the change this evening, I'll already be through it before the rest of the family arrive. You can start planning how to deal with Victoria, and I won't be something you need to plan to protect as well as take down Victoria."

"Bella, you realize you'll be disoriented to begin with? And all you'll be able to think about will be feeding? You might not be up to following any strategy we come up with."

"But I won't be a liability."

"Bella, you were never a liability."

"Well, I'll be able to fend for myself. If I'm going to be obsessed with feeding, that won't change no matter when you change me. Better that I do it out here and better that I can fight Victoria when we face her."

We turned onto a path that no other car could have gotten down, a mere gap between the trees, although the jeep handled it fine. The ground jolted and rolled beneath us.

"Okay," Carlisle replied. "We'll do it tonight."

We reached a clearing and as the trees opened out, they revealed a timber house, not as big as the Cullen house in Forks but still bigger than Charlie's.

"Thank you," I said again. "This is…" But I couldn't put in into words. Above all, it was overwhelming.

He parked in front of the house, shutting off the engine.

"I still need a little time to prepare," he said. "There is something I want to try that may help ease the pain of the change. First, I need to go and open the house up, get the generator running. Bear with me, I won't be long."

He took the phone and left me in the jeep, entering the garage through a side door. A few minutes later the lights inside flickered to life. He returned to help me out of the harness and retrieved my bag from the back seat, leading me through the front door.

"Please excuse the dust. We don't often use this house and nobody's been here for a while."

The entrance had opened into one large room with a kitchen area off to one side (completely lacking in electrical appliances) and the living area taking up the bulk of the space, furnished in overlarge leather sofas. A staircase of exposed wood led up the back wall to the upper stories. It was more rustic than I'd come to expect from the Cullens, but it made sense if they used it as a retreat, rather than a regular home.

"Is the hunting good?" I asked, feeling the need to say something.

"It's more than adequate, since we're here so rarely. Although we'll have to move onto somewhere with more variety soon, probably into northern Canada."

I dropped my bag onto one of the armchairs and stood awkwardly in the middle of the room as he bustled around, plugging appliances in and flipping blinds open. He was moving a little faster than a human, but not at full vampire speed.

"I've had another message from Alice," he told me as he went to a cupboard in the kitchen area, pulling out a first aid kid. "She said she agrees with you."

"That's good." I was hoping she'd seen something that proved this was a good idea. "She wasn't more specific?"

He returned to my side with a syringe full of clear liquid.

"No." He followed my gaze to the syringe. "It's morphine," he explained. "I'm hoping it will help you through the pain, at least until it wears off."

He looked so hopeful that I smiled at him after only a moment's hesitation. "Good thinking." He didn't need to know that it hadn't helped at all last time, when James had bitten me. We'd never discussed the results after that happened, and if it brought him some comfort thinking I wasn't going to suffer as much as I could, I wasn't going to disillusion him.

"Are you sure?" he asked softly, searching my face for any signs of uncertainty. "This can wait. We can deal with Victoria while you are human and return to this decision later."

"How are we doing this?" I replied briskly. "Do you just…bite me?"

"Yes," he said, still scrutinizing me. "It doesn't get more sophisticated than that, I'm afraid. I'll inject the morphine immediately before, although you'll still feel the bite."

"Okay." I was nodding maniacally, the impact of my decision suddenly in front of me. Becoming a vampire was one thing. I wanted that. I still had to get bitten by one and suffer excruciating pain for three days first, and no matter how much I wanted this, it wasn't going to be pleasant.

"Shall I just…sit?" I asked, pointing to one of the sofas.

"If you like."

I scooted over, sitting down on the edge.

"You might want to lie down," Carlisle suggested. I did, stretching out on the cushions, ignoring the rumble in my stomach. I hadn't eaten for hours, but there wouldn't be any food here, and it wouldn't matter in a few minutes anyway. I hadn't had a human moment since I left school this afternoon. It was strange to realize that I wouldn't do that ever again. I wouldn't eat solid food, or sleep, or cry either - although maybe I'd cried enough for one person already.

Carlisle swept my hair away from my shoulder, exposing my neck on the side closest to him whilst he crouched beside me. I felt a pinch as he slid the syringe into the skin of my forearm, and before I could react, or the drug could have an effect, he leaned in closer.

"God deliver you," he murmured, before I felt his cool lips on my skin, and then the sharp tear of his teeth in my throat.

A sort of numbness followed the pain, what could have been seconds or minutes of emptiness as I sank into unconsciousness, but then the pain returned, sharper, fiercer. It radiated out from my neck, like someone was burning the flesh there, and I was dimly aware that my body was bowing off the couch, my throat tearing with the force of my screams.

I couldn't control my body, fighting frantically to move, to flee the pain and failing. The entire universe had contracted to the wound in my neck and the flames licking through my bloodstream. Nothing else existed.

Time passed and the flames spread, consuming my entire being cell by cell, and it was like I could feel every cell burning, one by one. Every time I thought the pain couldn't get worse, it intensified. No matter how far I retreated into my mind, there was no escape.

"Bella, can you hear me?"

I didn't understand the question. I didn't know who Bella was or who was speaking to me. I couldn't have replied anyway, or given any indication that I'd even heard it.

Whoever it was carried on as if I'd replied, speaking in soft tones, close to a lullaby. He told me about how he'd been through this fire himself and emerged on the other side, to a life where pain - physical pain, at least - was a thing of the past. As eternal as the torment might feel now, I wasn't in Hell, and I would come through this.

He told me about a man called Jasper, who'd fought in the Civil War and been through this too. He'd fought alongside other vampires and won every fight he'd been in. It felt like I should understand who Jasper was, what the Civil War was, what a vampire was, but they were just words, a melody empty of meaning that I could cling to for respite.

Then he told me about Rosalie, and how she'd been attacked and left for dead, how she'd hated surviving to become like this. He told me that Rosalie would probably be very unhappy that I'd chosen this – _I chose this pain?_  – and I was to be patient with her when we met again.

He kept speaking and I let the words cradle me even when I didn't understand them, and gradually I came to the realization that the burning had changed. The pain in my limbs was cooling and the fire was licking its way back towards where it first began, in my neck – no, not my neck, my  _throat_. I tried to gasp for breath around the flames, but I still had no control over my body. As I waited for my next breath to come, I became aware that time was stretching on and I still hadn't taken one.

 _Am I dead?_

I couldn't be sure, floating in the darkness as I was, anchored to the world only by the pain. But with the concentration of the fire and the easing of the ache in my limbs, memories came back to me – who I was, what was happening, everything that had led to this point.

 _Edward._

I had to wake up. I had to get back to Edward. I knew he hadn't been the one to change me, or the one that had spoken to me while I was burning, but if I stayed here, keeping my eyes closed and the world shut out, I would never get back to him. It was the most important thing in the world that I did that, but something was keeping me pinned here, in this place between life and death, and I didn't know how to escape from it.

My heart sped up and I thought at first it was panic-induced, but instead it kept speeding, a fresh type of pain in itself. The thud of each heartbeat echoed through me, blocking out the soothing words of my companion, swallowing my only connection with the world outside my body. It kept speeding, stuttering, the crazed beat of a thousand drums that were racing to some climax that only they knew, climbing to it in a ragged crescendo, countered only be the shrieking I was doing inside, screaming for release from this.

Then it stopped.

The sudden silence was startling. Even my companion had stopped talking, though I knew I wasn't alone. For the first time, my body was perfectly silent and still, without the need for breath or the beat of a heart.

When I opened my eyes, the world had changed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the original prompt, now that it's less spoilertastic:
> 
>  _I would love to see how you handle Bella's change, but by Carlisle and not by Edward, (in an instance where Carlisle doesn't have the option to wait for Edward). This request probably comes from my love of all things Carlisle, so I apologize! How does it impact the Edward/Carlisle relationship? The Bella/Edward relationship?_


	3. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two people that made birthing this beast easier are my betas Octoberland and SolarEclipses. You should be reading their stories if you aren't already (Tethered to Humanity and Sins of the Piano Man, respectively).

**3.**

I could see the air.

Motes – those infinitesimal particles that I'd only ever seen before in a certain slant of light – were everywhere, despite the darkness in the room. I could see  _everything_ with crisp clarity; the staircase far across the room, shrouded in shadows as it was, might as well have been a foot away from the sofa I lay on. All the tiny scratches in the wood were entirely visible.

For a moment, I wondered why my chest ached. In the very center, close to my heart, I could feel a tug, a connection to something that wasn't on the other end of the bond.

 _Edward._

I needed him. He was the ache.

I heard the faintest hint of sound from over my shoulder and I flung myself off the sofa to press my back against the wall. The movement was as easy as blinking.

Not that I felt the need to blink.

"Easy, Bella," Carlisle said, except the man before me couldn't be Carlisle. His voice – his beautiful, calm voice – had a thousand new soft tones to it, combining into something impossibly pure. And his face…

Carlisle, with his blond hair and golden eyes, had always had a hint of the angelic about him, but here he stood in the twilight, his pale skin shining and beauty radiating from him, every inch of him God's creature. He looked like he belonged painted on the wall of a church or captured in stained glass. Nothing that beautiful could be walking around in the world.

If I'd had breath in my lungs it would have been lost at the sight of him, but in the moments between opening my eyes and now – the seconds I'd been able to count dimly in the back of my mind, notable for the absence of my heartbeat – I hadn't taken a single breath.

"I know it's overwhelming," Carlisle continued, "but try to concentrate on me. It's easier when you focus on one thing."

I took a breath, just to prove that I still could, and nearly gagged.

My  _throat_.

It was like I'd swallowed flames, as if I'd poured gasoline down my gullet and set my throat on fire. I let the air out of my lungs and didn't bother taking another breath, but the burn didn't dissipate. With oxygen came a medley of scents, aromas piled upon aromas, and underneath it all there was something that made my throat  _burn_.

"Do you remember who you are? Who I am?"

I nodded, because underneath it all I  _did_ , even though right now I was more concerned with the pain that engulfed as I swallowed, and all the conflicting attractions my senses were laying before me. I could hear animals outside – the quiet  _pat_ of hooves or paws on grass – and the hum of the generator. I could smell the salt of sweat and I couldn't tear my gaze away from Carlisle's lovely face. But I knew that I'd been human and now…now I wasn't. Everything was overwhelming because I was  _more_.

"The first thing we need to do is get you to hunt. Your throat will hurt less afterwards and it will be easier for you to concentrate on other things."

I could only nod again. I heard the minutest sound from upstairs, the brush of  _something_  on the floorboards and I jerked.

"Alice and Jasper are here," Carlisle told me softly. "Can they come down? They'll try not to startle you."

"Okay," I replied, and the sound drew a gasp from me a moment later. Although I'd said the word, it wasn't my voice – or rather it was, but  _better_ ; as lovely as I'd always thought the Cullens' voices were. It was still low but without the husky edge, smooth and vibrant.

It only took seconds for Alice and Jasper to descend the stairs, but what would have once been a blur to me was now something I could watch unfolding, the rapid movement of limbs made no less graceful for the speed at which they moved.

Alice was a sight for sore eyes after all the months since I'd seen her. Although her beauty was magnified, just as Carlisle's was, I'd had time to prepare myself to expect it – even if that time had been mere nanoseconds. My mind was ticking along at quite a speed, faster than even caffeine had ever accomplished. She stopped a few feet away from me, her smile wide, bouncing on her toes, though underneath there was hesitance.

Her appearance stirred something in me, like a nearly-healed wound being ripped into.

"You left," I managed to whisper.

"Oh, Bella," she replied, her eyes wide, the smile falling. If she'd have been capable of tears, I think she would have cried. If I had been, I would have too. "I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry."

I couldn't find any more words, so she stepped towards me.

"Edward was an idiot and we should never have listened to him. I'll never leave you again. You're my best friend and I missed you so much."

She raised her arms and I stepped into her embrace, crushing her to me. She squeaked and I relaxed my grip a little, shocked that I'd been able to hurt her. "I'm going to make it up to you," she promised as she stepped back, allowing me to catch a glimpse of Jasper over her shoulder.

I'd expected to be stunned by him, but not like this. When my gaze fell on him, I pushed myself back into the wall so hard the plasterboard cracked and splintered around me, and a growl erupted from my throat.

He was covered in scars. Every inch of skin that I could see – even some of his face – was littered with silvery crescents, crisscrossing each other, and jagged lines, pitted and vibrant on what should have been flawless skin.

I cut the growl off and pulled myself away from the wall. "I'm sorry," I said quietly.

Carlisle had told me about this while I was burning. It had been his voice I'd heard throughout the transformation, telling me how Jasper had gained his scars during the newborn wars he'd fought in.

Jasper shrugged. "It's a natural reaction."

"I couldn't see them before," I said, but just as quick I realized why. My eyes could now pick out details they couldn't before, just like the motes in the air. I'd forgotten about them, automatically seeing beyond them to focus on other details, but they were still there when I shifted my focus.

"You'll get used to them," Alice said.

I glanced down at my hand, at the place where James' bite had once scarred my skin, to be met with the same smoothness I'd always seen on the Cullens.

"How – ?"

"Your transformation will have healed all the scars you obtained in your human life," Carlisle explained, "even that one. Only injuries inflicted on your skin by venom-coated teeth will leave new scars."

I took an accidental breath and hissed at the fresh flare of heat. Jasper cast me a sympathetic glance.

"You need to feed," he said. "There's plenty of wildlife right outside the house. It's going to be pretty instinctual for you, but Alice and I will be flanking you while we're outside to make sure there are no…incidents."

"Incidents," I echoed, shutting my mind off to the meaning of the word.

I followed them out onto the porch, down the steps to the earth, lacking a coat but not feeling the chill that I should. It was only spring and the night air couldn't be warm but it felt no different to the inside of the house. The air was damp, like it had just rained, but it didn't raise goosebumps. The fresh air, with all the new scents and sounds it brought, was actually welcome.

With each step I took, I became aware of a new sense of equilibrium, one I'd never felt in my life before. My limbs moved in coordination without conscious thought, with confidence that I wouldn't trip or stumble like I usually did, constantly expecting to end up on my face. Every part of my body, from fingertips to toes, was connected and working in harmony, responding to me in ways it never had. I felt whole, and I felt  _well_. Only the ache in my chest, the one I'd carried over from my old life, told me I was still missing something. Someone.

"There are deer further into the forest," Alice said, "not too far away. Can you smell them?"

I inhaled and it was true. I couldn't be sure if it was deer, but it was certainly something heady and enticing. Learning to differentiate and recognize scents would take time, I supposed, but that was definitely animal, definitely inflaming the thirst I felt.

As soon as the scent hit the back of my throat, I was running, all that grace and coordination working for me as trees whipped by, the uneven ground beneath me no obstacle in my quest as I practically flew over it. This was exhilarating, far better than clinging to Carlisle or Edward as they moved. The only thing keeping me from whooping aloud was the instinctual knowledge that it would alert my prey, if they didn't already know I was coming. My only guide was the scent and the sounds tied up in that – the quick throb of a pulse, the smack of hooves on grass as they fled, the sound of Alice and Jasper in pursuit of me. I had the first deer in my arms, my face buried in its throat before it had even escaped the clearing it had been grazing, and I was lost in the sensation of the delicious liquid pouring into my open mouth.

When it was gone and the deer shuddered and fell still, I threw it to one side, coming back to my senses a little, on the forest floor on my knees.

"It still burns," I whispered, wiping the blood away from my mouth and chin with the back of my hand, my tongue seeking the remnants and licking my skin clean.

"You need more," Jasper said. "You need to feed until you can't hold any more blood."

"Will it stop the burn?"

"It will ease it, as much as it can. Only human blood really makes it go away completely, and even that is temporary."

"And we don't drink human blood." That was one truth I knew, as much as I knew my own name. So I rose to my feet and gave chase again, Alice and Jasper behind me all the way.

When we returned to the house, I was sated; the burn eased. In such a short period of time I'd become more accustomed to my enhanced senses, although I was prone to distraction, stopping to stare and touch anything that caught my attention. I was also covered in mud and blood, and I could smell the sweat from my change coating the surface of my skin.

"I've run a bath," Carlisle said when we traipsed into the living room. I opened my mouth to protest that I wanted a shower, but Alice shook her head.

"A bath is a much better idea. You still need to get used to your strength and the shower cubicle will suffer for it before you do."

As it turned out, the bath was fine anyway, since I could duck my whole head under the water to wash my hair. Breathing was no longer a necessity, so I could stay under as long as I needed. I planned to abuse that ability until the novelty wore off.

When I surfaced, I decided to try the vampire hearing thing out. Alice was still in the house somewhere, as I'd heard her talking to Jasper.

"Alice?" I whispered.

"Bella?" she replied, and though it was muffled by the closed doors between us, I could hear her as well as if she was kneeling by the bathtub.

"Where's Edward?"

It was a jolt to say his name, and it might have felt strange to the others that I was only just mentioning him now, but he'd been in my thoughts through my transformation and beyond, even with all the distractions. Every breath I took, as scattered as they were, brought the familiar throb near my heart; the tattered wound had not quite healed. I just hadn't found the courage to ask about him before now.

"Esme's still looking for him," Alice said. "He'll be here, don't worry."

The truth was that I wasn't worried. I was disappointed. They'd had at least three days while I was changing to get him here. He should have been here when I woke up, and it was his stubbornness keeping him away.

If Esme didn't find him, I was going looking for him myself. He couldn't avoid me forever, and we really were talking about forever now.

When I was clean and dry, Alice showed me to my room. Here, I got the first glimpse of the new me in the mirror that hung on the wardrobe door. When I caught sight of myself, all I could do was stop and stare.

I knew things had changed, just from the way my clothes hung on me. My jeans were looser and my bra was…unnecessary – not because my breasts had shrunk but because they had less…jiggle to them. I'd seen my arms, the graceful shape of my legs in the bath, the smooth skin of my torso when it hadn't been covered by bubbles. But to see the changes in the glass was a different story.

I had cheekbones. I'd never had visible cheekbones, the kind that people commented on, and yet there they were, perfectly defined. The shape of my face was subtly altered by them so that my eyes seemed larger. My mouth was fuller, my eyebrows arched and my hair glossy, even tangled as it was from the hunt. I stood tall, my breasts noticeable beneath my t-shirt, my posture perfect. I looked confident and graceful, even just stood in repose. The changes were subtle but together they made me a different person. Almost me, but not quite. A beautiful me.

The only disconcerting feature was my eyes.

"They'll stay that way until the animal blood helps them fade," Alice said from behind me as I took in the blazing crimson hue of my irises. "It's your own blood that's making them that color. If you drank human blood they'd stay that way, but eventually they'll fade to match ours."

"How long?" I asked, turning away so I didn't have to keep looking at the ghastly color. I took a pile of clean clothes from Alice.

"A couple of months, at least. Anything up to a year."

"I guess there really is no going back. Not to Forks."

"In time, you could go back. In a few years Charlie would put the changes down to you blossoming. It would be natural for you to have changed."

"But right now, I have to stay away."

"I'm sorry, Bella."

I kept my back to the mirror as I dressed.

"It's okay, Alice. I chose this, and I knew what that meant when it came to my family." I swallowed uncomfortably. "Why do I feel so parched?"

"That's normal. We can hunt again."

"Is it always like this?" I moaned to Jasper as we left the house once more.

"It gets easier," he promised. "The first few months are the worst."

I didn't get quite as messy this time, needing to drain only one deer, and Jasper took us on a circuitous route back, avoiding proximity to the road, since Alice had a brief vision of me chasing down a car that passed by.

"You've all slipped up, right?" I asked as we walked in the first rays of dawn.

"Some more than others," Jasper replied. "I'm new to this diet and it hasn't been easy."

"I had my visions to help me," Alice said, "warning me when I was running a risk."

"What about the others?"

"Emmett has encountered his singers, and you know about Edward's decade of rebellion. Esme made mistakes too."

"Rosalie managed it, though," Jasper reminded her.

"Rosalie?"

"She's killed, but she's never drunk human blood," Alice explained. This was something Carlisle had told me, just like he'd explained Jasper's scars – she'd killed the men who ended her human life.

"And Carlisle has never tasted human blood," Jasper concluded. "I'll never understand how he managed it. Completely alone, yet he still resisted."

"So it's possible," I said. "If both Carlisle and Rosalie managed it, I never have to hurt anyone."

"It is," Alice promised. "Especially since we'll be with you, and we all have ways to prevent the worst from happening. I'll be watching all the time until we know it's safe for you to interact with people. Even then, I'll keep an eye out, as I do for all the family."

"But if the worst were to happen," Jasper said, "don't be too hard on yourself. It's your nature. Wanting not to kill is the important thing. So long as you keep fighting it, you're doing your best."

A stray sunbeam crossed over Alice's face, causing her skin to glitter beneath it. I lifted my hand into the light, watching it shimmer when I turned my arm this way and that.

"I guess I sparkle now."

Alice smiled. "That, you do."

The sparkles kept me entertained for a few minutes as I marveled at the sheer beauty of our skin – more vibrant with my new eyesight – before we headed back to the house.

"What do you do to distract from the burn?"

 **'***'**

It turned out that the burn ruled everything. I found it hard to settle, my attention fluttering from one pursuit to the next. Reading was impossible because although I could do it faster, I couldn't focus on more than a page at a time. Jasper patiently tried to teach me chess, which was probably like trying to teach a toddler who was high on sugar. The only constant was my need to hunt. We had to roam further from the house, taking me ever closer to the chance of encountering humans.

On the third day, Carlisle received a call from Esme. She'd had no luck in finding Edward – every time she thought she'd caught up with him, he'd moved on. Everyone braced themselves for the epic freak-out they expected me from me, but instead I curled up fetal-style, holding the ache inside, until the burn became too insistent to ignore.

Alice was torn, wanting to go and help Esme find Edward, but Carlisle insisted her help was needed here. It wasn't an easy task either, guiding me through those days and making sure I didn't kill anyone. We only strayed out at night, when the forest should have been clear of humans, but more than once I came across the hours-old trail of a hiker and set off in pursuit. Only Alice's visions helped her and Jasper overcome the disadvantage they had: that I was much, much faster than they were. For now.

Even though my only contact with people were their cold scent trails, I suddenly understood why resisting human blood was so hard. It was the most exquisite thing I'd ever smelled, a hundred times more appetizing than anything I'd ever come across before, better even than how I remembered Edward's scent to be. The physical reaction it caused – venom pooling in the place of saliva, and the pain in my throat like I'd drunk burning gasoline – made the lure impossible to ignore. My enthusiasm for feeding from animals waned. Even the cougars I'd moved onto, which were much richer in taste than deer, didn't compare.

I still forced myself to hunt and it diminished the need, but it never completely eased it or satisfied me. The flavor was off, too earthy and bland, and my body wanted more, even if my mind resisted.

"It's okay," Carlisle promised. "Your instincts will calm down eventually. We'll move closer to human habitations and acclimatize you gradually."

If I thought I'd left calamities behind, I was wrong. My newfound strength took some adjustment, which Alice promised was normal, but it still pissed me off. Door and cupboard handles kept being crushed in my hands, I reduced a stone chess piece to dust, and I put my foot through one of the stairs running down them. The first time I tried to take a shower I pulled the water pressure dial off the wall and cracked the glass when I shut the door. These incidents didn't help my temper, which was quick to flare, and Jasper was worn out calming me down when a tantrum approached.

Within a week of my change, Rosalie and Emmett arrived. The first thing Emmett tried to do was crush me in a bear hug. As he leaned in to gather me up, I flipped him over my shoulder and onto the forest floor.

Jasper leaned out of an upstairs window, applauding the move. I'd done it at his request.

"Ooh, feisty," Emmett said to me, grinning from his position on his back. "I like it. Although I gotta say, I'm going to miss your klutziness."

"I'm not."

It was easy to hear the fluid conversation taking place in the house between Rosalie and Carlisle. While I'd greeted Emmett, she'd swept past us to go inside, and I could hear her rapid words to him, even with the door closed.

"How could you?" she berated him. "She wasn't even dying and you went and changed her. Think of everything you took away from her – all those possibilities!"

"She asked me to, Rosalie," Carlisle's resigned response. Words weren't going to appease her.

"You should have known better! She's eighteen and sheltered and has no idea what she's given up. How differently might she feel in a decade's time when all her friends have had babies and she's stuck like this?"

"It was her choice, Rosalie."

"It was an idiotic choice – you should have refused her! Now we're all stuck here on babysitting duty –"

"No, Rosalie," I interrupted, speaking from the lawn. Jasper was still leaning out of the window, and I accepted the calm he sent my way. Letting my temper get the better of me wasn't going to help. "It was my choice and you have no more right to make it than Carlisle does. You don't have to babysit me if you don't want to."

She stormed out to stand in front of me, her hair shining in the sunlight. She didn't have Carlisle's angelic aura, despite their similar coloring: she looked sinful, like temptation come to life. She was cold, especially in her fury, where he was warm.

"And what about when you realize you want children?"

"I'm frozen like this. If I don't want children now, how could that change?"

"You don't know," she said quietly, and there was more to her words than anger now, sorrow under the ice. "Everything you've given up – you don't see –"

She was gone a moment later into the forest. I took a step to follow her, but Alice laid a hand on my arm and murmured for me to leave it be.

"Don't be too hard on her," Emmett said, finally rising from the grass. "These are her issues, not yours, but she's taken it kind of personally. We've just got to give her some space and time."

"Carlisle explained," I replied, but it occurred to me that I'd trivialized it in my head. "You know you don't have to babysit me either, if you don't want to."

"Are you kidding?" He beamed, although his concern for Rosalie was obvious beneath his playfulness. "I'm going to put you through your newborn paces. It's going to be much more fun than school."

Rosalie stayed distant, returning to the house at brief intervals. I spent my time with the other Cullens in rotation, hunting and talking (I had endless questions) and play fighting with Emmett, which was an excellent way of learning to handle my strength.

I only needed to hunt every other day, which Alice promised me was an achievement, and I came home looking civilized now. I'd quickly grown able to hunt without making a complete mess of myself. Instead of the tattered remnants of clothing needing to be turned into dustrags, they could simply be washed free of mud and bloodstains now.

Esme called on a daily basis and Alice gave pointers where she could, trying to leapfrog Edward in her mind so Esme got to his next destination before he even set off. I got into the habit of leaving the room before the call came, so I didn't have to listen to the sound of his name, or think of him. Even though I thought of him anyway, comparing every waking moment to what it would be like if I shared it with him.

This turned out to be the only time of day I got to myself, and I set myself a task to complete, retreating to the porch with a pack of disposable pens and a pad of paper. I knew Charlie would be searching for me, trying to find out where I'd gone and why. Since I couldn't go back to him, I had to ease his worry somehow.

 _Dear Charlie,_

 _I'm sorry that I left so abruptly. I wish that I could have given you a better explanation then; I wish I could give you a better explanation now, but I can't. I hope that one day I'll be able to._

 _I'm alive. I'm safe. I can't say that I'm happy, but I'm getting there. I haven't joined a cult (or the circus), and this is the only way I could come back from the place I was in before I left. The decision was my own, and no one else played a part in it. If you're looking for me – and I know that you are – please stop. I don't want to be found, and you won't find me._

 _This is not your fault. Thank you for everything. I love you,_

 _Bella._

I had destroyed nearly the full pack of pens before I finished the letter. When I was done, I wrote another.

 _Hey Jake,_

 _I guess I'm writing to ask you not to hate me, although I think by the time I'm through you will. I'm safe, and I left to make sure everyone else would be too. Victoria won't be able to hurt me if she finds me. You can probably figure out why._

 _I know you'll hate that I made that choice, but I don't regret it, and I don't want you to regret it for me. I didn't make it for him. I made it for me._

 _I won't be coming back to Forks, for obvious reasons. Please take care of Charlie._

 _I love you, even if it's not the way you want me to. I wish I could._

 _Bella._

Alice took the letters to post them when I was done.

Chess became a ritual at Emmett's insistence, now that I was no longer a danger to the pieces, since he was lacking in other forms of entertainment. I think he was hoping I would suddenly turn into a Grand Master and wipe the floor with Jasper. Every evening Alice, Jasper, Emmett and I would gather in the living room, cross-legged on the floor (which would never again lead to pins and needles), while I was comprehensively beaten. The games only lasted minutes, just long enough for my slowly increasing attention span. Alice was banned from playing since she couldn't help but cheat.

One afternoon, perhaps two weeks after my change, she sat watching Jasper and I as we worked our way through a game, crocheting a shawl at high speed. Carlisle hadn't been exaggerating when he said Jasper was an excellent strategist, although I was putting up a decent fight.

"I guess I'm not special," I said as I waited for his next move. He ignored me, working through every possible option in his head.

"What do you mean?" Alice asked instead.

"I haven't got a special ability – no mind reading or seeing the future or super-zenness. We'd know by now, right?"

"Maybe. Eleazer would be able to tell for sure."

"Eleazer?" I glanced back at the board to see Jasper taking one of my knights.

"He's one of the Denali coven," Alice elaborated, "although he once lived with the Volturi, which is how Carlisle knows him. He has the ability to be able to tell what someone else's is. We'll be going to Alaska soon anyway, so you'll meet him then."

"We're leaving?"

"We have to leave before we decimate the fauna of Vancouver Island completely," Jasper said, moving a final piece and capturing my king.

"How will we get there? I don't think I'm ready for –"

Alice's gasp interrupted me, and Jasper was beside her a split-second later. Her eyelids fluttered as they did when she was viewing the future, and judging by her expression, whatever she was seeing wasn't good. I removed my hands from the vicinity of the chessboard so I didn't break anything.

After a moment, Alice's sight returned to the room, although she didn't look any happier.

"I just saw Charlie. He was… I think the wolves are going to leave him unprotected, just for a little while –"

Carlisle, Rosalie and Emmett all came flying into the room, gathering around her as she spoke

"Victoria?" I whispered, and Alice nodded in confirmation.

"But it's the future, right? It hasn't happened yet?" I pleaded.

"No," Alice replied. I let out a sob of relief. "But it will soon."

I hadn't forgotten about Victoria, but the distance between us and my belief that the wolves would keep Charlie safe had put her to the back of my mind. I'd had to focus on making sure I didn't become a killer, and knew Alice was keeping watch on the situation. I'd been complacent, forgetting the whole reason I'd begged to be changed, and Charlie would be the one to pay.

"We have to do something," I said.

"Could we warn the wolves?" Emmett asked.

"We could, but this is just one instance," I said, standing up and pacing. "She's going to keep trying to get to him, and the wolves could get hurt. That was what I was trying to stop." I said it to Carlisle, reminding him of our conversation as we left Forks. "We need to lure her here."

"We're strong enough to take her," Jasper agreed.

"No,  _I'm_  strong enough to take her." Victoria was mine. I owed her, just for threatening a hair on Charlie's head.

"Bella, that's not the best idea," Carlisle said softly.

My temper flared again.

"I want to be in this fight, Carlisle. I'm the strongest person in this family right now and you need to use me to your advantage. I'm not going to sit back and let you all risk your lives for me again when you don't need to. I'm not saying that I need to take her completely on my own, but if there's any direct fighting, it should be me. She'll want me anyway."

Carlisle paused a moment, trying not to be swayed by my emotions. "What do you think, Jasper?"

I prayed he would back me up. He would be the leader on this, even if Carlisle was head of the family. It was clear the wheels were already turning in his head.

"You'll need training, so you don't fall for any obvious maneuvers, and we don't have much time," he said. "But we definitely have the element of surprise. She won't be expecting you to be a vampire."

"Then we need to use that."

We both looked at Carlisle.

"If you think that's the best course," Carlisle conceded.

"What's the plan?" Emmett asked. He'd begun pacing, letting out the same coiled energy we were all feeling. It wasn't the same as adrenaline – there was no edge to it, there would be no slump afterwards. It was just power, ready to be used.

"Bella left Forks with Carlisle," said Jasper, "and as far as Victoria knows she's still with him. She'd follow Carlisle wherever he goes, hoping it leads to Bella." We all glanced at Alice to check.

"He's right."

"So Carlisle goes back to Forks, but not alone," Jasper continued. "We need to make sure she can't pull any tricks on us." He glanced between the other members of the family, considering our options. Rosalie wouldn't travel with Carlisle – she was still too angry – and I thought he'd choose Emmett in her place, but instead he shared a glance with Alice.

"You only have a few days," she told him, acknowledging his decision to send her with Carlisle. "We can lead her on a merry dance but only for so long, before she stops trailing us and returns to Forks."

"It's all I need," Jasper promised.

They launched into a detailed strategy, trying to come up with plans, back-up plans and counterplans to ensure this would absolutely work. My attention waned, the thirst returning to an alarming degree, and before long Emmett and I slipped away so I could feed.

Carlisle was waiting for me when I returned.

"Walk with me?"

We kept the pace leisurely and I enjoyed the afternoon sun on my skin as it filtered through the canopy of branches. It didn't warm me as much as it once would have, but it was still enough to be pleasant. It was also a nice change from being out in the darkness. I captured butterflies in my hands when we came across them, releasing them back onto the breeze, happy that I could do it without squashing them. I still marveled at the richness and detail I was able to see, and Carlisle let my distraction work itself out until we reached the trunk of a fallen tree lying on the forest floor. We settled on it, side by side.

"We haven't had much chance to speak lately," he began.

"No," I replied. "I just presumed you were busy. Besides, I've been kind of a handful."

"I have had things I needed to do – I've left a lot of work behind in Ithaca and I've been trying my best to make sure this didn't impact my colleagues and patients. They know I won't be returning. I have to make the family my priority."

I nodded and watched the light glitter from the back of my hand, casting a rainbow across the wood.

"I have to ask how you're feeling, Bella," he continued. "You've taken the change well, better than anyone else did, or so it seems, but I'd prefer not to take things for granted. If you have any concerns, I hope you would be able to bring them to me. No one else in the family need know, but I'd like to be able to help you with anything that might be troubling you."

"You're feeling guilty, aren't you, after what Rose said?" I asked, understanding immediately.

"Perhaps," he admitted. "Despite knowing that you requested this, I'm concerned that we could have given it more time. Maybe I acted in the family's best interests, rather than yours – I think I may have been too easily swayed. I'm concerned that the change is more than you expected."

"It  _is_  more," I confessed. "I didn't think I'd need to hunt this much, for a start. And I didn't expect the temper, because I've never really had one before. But you told me to expect to be distracted and I feel like that's already much better than it was at first. There's a lot for me take in – the world is so different to how it used to be for me – but I adjust easier too. It balances out."

"You do seem to be coping extraordinarily well, in comparison. Others were slaves to the bloodlust."

"And I'm not? It feels that way."

"I don't doubt that it does, but you have the most control I've ever seen in a newborn. You're certainly more sentient than I expected. Even your temper is mild for one this young."

"Do you think knowing ahead of time helped?" I asked.

"Possibly. Maybe it's just because of who you are. You were a quiet, calm, thoughtful human being, and we never stray that far from where we began. We just have the bloodlust amplifying our baser instincts. You say you were surprised by your need to hunt?"

"I knew I'd need to, but not this often. I didn't expect to be so…animalistic when I fed either. I guess I see why he wanted to keep me away when you hunted. I've got used to it though, and the benefits in return more than make up for it. For the first time in my life I can walk across a straight surface and know I won't trip. That's a big deal to me. I mean, things aren't perfect, but…"

"You're still waiting for Edward?" he ventured.

"I think so – but things won't be perfect even with him. We have too much stuff to work through. I can see that now. The good news is that we have a long time to work through it and a real chance of piecing everything back together. There's a light at the end of the tunnel. Could you see that light in my life as a human? Because I couldn't. Even if he came back, we were too fragile the way we were."

"I'm glad."

We sat for a while, enjoying the vivid sunset and the way it bathed the forest in pinks and golds. As inky blue became the dominant color, Carlisle rose from his seat.

"We need to go back. I would just ask that if you ever have any regrets, bring them to me. Please, don't ever be afraid or reluctant to lay them before me. I would rather know if something is troubling you, than it be kept from me because you seek to spare my feelings."

"I promise."

We headed back to the house where the jeep was waiting, Alice behind the wheel. Carlisle and Alice wouldn't need provisions but they were taking some things I'd brought with me, those infused with my human scent. It would attract Victoria's attention and entice her to follow when they encountered her.

"Come back safely," I told them as Carlisle climbed in. "I don't need another reason to kill Victoria."

Alice laughed, but Jasper growled beside me. They were coated in each other's scent, which meant they'd had a thorough goodbye, and not for the first time I was glad that I couldn't blush anymore. Alice hushed him with a brief kiss on the mouth, and they were gone.

"Now what?" I asked of nobody in particular.

"Now, we start training," Jasper said. He needed it as much as a distraction from his separation from Alice as I needed it to prepare for Victoria.

Emmett, Rosalie and I followed him to the clearing where I'd fed for the first time. The corpse of the deer was mostly gone, picked clean by scavengers, only the bones left. Not enough time had passed for them to be trampled into the undergrowth.

"The only sure way to kill a vampire," Jasper began, standing very still in the center of the clearing, with the night silent around him, "is to rip it apart."

This was for my benefit. The others knew perfectly well how to kill their own kind.

"The limbs and head need to be completely separated from the torso, and then it all needs to be burnt to ash. Just getting rid of one limb won't stop it in the same way it would a human. That means unless you have enough vampires to grab a limb each and pull, the most effective way is to decapitate it. Of course, the same goes for all of us. Never let your enemy close enough to your neck to do that."

Jasper's gaze was far away, fixed on the bones across the clearing, although I was sure he wasn't really seeing them. They were eerily bright against the gloom.

"This is where your strength comes as an advantage, Bella. Victoria is clearly good at surviving, or the wolves would have destroyed her already. We'd probably all be even matches for her as individuals, even Emmett, but you will have the edge in speed and strength that might tip the fight. We'll focus on preventing her from escaping, herding her back to you if we need to, and be ready to take over if it looks like you might be in danger."

"Why don't we just surround her and take her apart together?" Emmett asked.

"If we can, then we do, but that's more likely to end in injury for one of us. Bella needs to be able to focus on one task, without trying not to hurt us too."

"Then how do we fight her?" I asked. "How do I make sure I kill her?"

"I'll show you."

For the next few days we stayed out in the clearing, while Jasper drilled into us his three most important lessons.

"Think," he told us. "Don't rely on instinct. You have to use your head, you need to plan. Don't rely on luck, because it will never be on your side."

He showed us offensive and defensive moves, demonstrating on each of us. Just like in chess, every movement had an effective countermovement. We needed to think two or three moves ahead.

"Anticipate your enemy. Don't just move and wait for them to decide what to do next. Plan for every possible reaction."

We teamed up to practice grappling and blocking. Emmett joined in with great enthusiasm, and for Rosalie this seemed to be a way to channel her anger. I took great pride in beating both of them, although Jasper always had the edge on me when we sparred.

"Never react. If you're reacting, you aren't in control. Force  _them_  into reacting to you, and you're almost guaranteed a win."

It was amazing how much extra time you had when you didn't need to sleep or rest, you didn't ever tire, and you did everything pretty much perfectly the first time you tried it. The speed at which I learned was only slowed by my constant distraction, specifically the need to stop and hunt every time game wandered near the clearing. Fighting, even mock-fighting my family, produced more venom and with it greater thirst, just as I'd begun to temper mine.

On the fourth day of training, as dawn was breaking in the sky above us, Jasper received a text message.

"It's Alice," he told us. "They've just gotten on the ferry, and Victoria's swimming behind. She believes they think she lost their trails so she'll surprise us when she arrives. We have to be careful not to give anything away until it's too late for her to escape."

"Do we know where she'll come from?" Emmett asked.

The phone bleeped, anticipating the message Jasper had been about to send with Emmett's question.

"She's going to loop around through the forest and come from the east." He gestured to the tree line in the direction of the rising sun.

"How do we get her surrounded?" said Rosalie.

"I have an idea." We listened intently as he laid out his strategy.

My first task was to get changed – we needed Victoria to believe I was still human until the last possible moment, and the best way of achieving that was to  _smell_  human. I dashed back to my room and changed into the clothes that most smelled like old me, including the t-shirt I'd been wearing when I'd gone through the change. Alice had swapped it when I was close to waking up and it had been discarded up here, coated in my sweat.

"Ugh, that's ripe," Rosalie griped when I reappeared on the porch. "Why didn't that get thrown away?"

I ignored her question and settled on the top step with a book in my hands, hunching my shoulders and slouching a little, trying for a human-like pose, and letting my hair fall around me as much as it could. As soon as Victoria came near she'd recognize the subterfuge, but our hope was by that time it would too late.

Jasper and Emmett had disappeared into the forest, round the back of the house, so Victoria wouldn't sense them and spot the trap, but close enough they could be here within seconds. Rosalie stood on the bottom step, lounging against the railing and looking utterly disinterested in everything.

I could hear the jeep but kept my loose posture, acting as if my senses were all dull as they once had been, and I was lost in the pages of the book. In the distance there was a new sound: the footfalls of someone in the woods – quick and light, a running pace.

I didn't say a word to Rosalie; she would hear it too. Judging by the pace of the steps, Victoria would reach us before the jeep did.

We waited. I turned pages, careful to keep my grip light so the paper wouldn't crumble between my fingers. We waited until even a human would have been able to hear her approach.

"Emmett?" Rose called out. "That better be you. I'm done babysitting."

"No need," came the soft, girlish voice. There was a flash of red as she emerged from the trees, then she leapt across the lawn towards Rosalie.

Rose ducked and knocked Victoria away in midflight, who landed on the bottom step, cracking the wood. She was back on her feet immediately, with Rose now on the grass, poised ready to strike. Victoria took a step towards her, and it was what I needed. Her back was to me: I threw myself at her.

The momentum took us rolling all the way across the lawn, and I was already on my feet before we stopped, Victoria a split-second behind.

"You!" she hissed as she took in my transformation, though the shock didn't stop her from circling, just as I was, keeping pace with me. I should have used the moment to finish her, but it was too satisfying to watch the realization that she'd been tricked filter across her face. It was gone a second later, replaced by a snarl. "I'll still kill you."

"No," I replied, "you won't."

She snapped her head around as she heard the movement of the other Cullens around us – even Carlisle and Alice, who had abandoned the jeep to run through the forest – though she kept me in her eyeline. She was surrounded on every side and facing a newborn, but she didn't look remotely panicked.

"Watch me!" she yelled, more for the Cullens' benefit than mine, then fell into motion.

I ducked her feint and the real blow that followed it, knocking her arm aside and landing one, two, three punches of my own. She fell back a step but managed to dodge the fourth blow, spinning towards me, her kick glancing off my hip.

We were both quick, quick enough to stay just out of each other's reach. Every movement was a distraction, a way of finding or creating an opening to go for the killing blow.

She didn't stand a chance really though – I was faster than her and thinking two moves ahead. When she reached out to land a punch to my throat, I caught her extended arm, ripping my teeth into her wrist.

She snatched it away before I could rip the hand off completely, but her shrill screams echoed around the forest. As she stumbled backwards, cradling her injured arm to her torso, I closed in, kicking her legs from underneath her so she tripped and fell to her knees in the grass.

I was on her back before she could recover, pushing her face down and pinning her arms with my legs, yanking her head up by the hair, ready to twist her neck and end it all. She bucked beneath me, but I was too strong for her.

Until the scent hit me, making the world spin and the writhing hellcat below me recede in my consciousness. That scent – I  _knew_  that scent.

My gaze found him at the foot of the steps, pale and glorious and everything I'd ever wanted, even looking like he'd marched through hell. He was flanked by Jasper and Emmett, each one with a restraining grip around him.

"Edward," I whispered, the word raw as it escaped my throat.

Then Victoria consumed my focus once more, twisting beneath me so that suddenly, I was the one on the ground, on my knees with her hands around my throat. I met his eyes and realized I was going to die after all.


	4. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Solar Eclipses and Octoberland for the always amazing beta work.

4.

On my knees with my head gripped in Victoria's hands, I stared at Edward, taking in his horrified expression. He'd just found me again and it looked like it was too late. The moment seemed to stretch on forever, but I was on vampire time now, and I wasn't going to let this be the end.

In the time it would take for a hummingbird to beat its wings, I broke Edward's gaze and twisted in Victoria's grasp. The acrid scent of venom greeted me, dripping from the tear I'd made in her wrist, irritating the skin on my neck.

She might have me in the prone position, but I still had the strength. I rocked back on my heels, pushing her off balance. It gave me the room I needed to turn and bury my teeth back into the wound.

The world around me turned to a red haze, white noise filling my head as I tore into her wrist, my teeth cutting through smoothly. In one bite, I cut through her arm and spat her hand onto the grass.

I recognized some of the white noise as Victoria, shrill and fierce at her injury. I kept moving as she screamed, rising to my feet and twisting away from the grip her other hand still had on me, using my momentum to fall into her. My mouth found her neck and my teeth sank into it with a satisfying crunch.

There was no blood to soothe the excess of venom in my throat, but this was enough. Biting, ripping, tearing caused savage glee to bubble up inside me. I yanked my mouth away, spitting flesh, and my hands did the rest, forcing their way into the wound and pulling it apart.

A mass of red curls dropped to the forest floor with a heavy thud. The white noise eased abruptly.

Strange, how she looked on the grass, eyes staring at nothing, her expression an eerie mixture of vacancy and potent rage, like a bad waxwork. Her mouth was still open in the middle of the scream I'd cut off.

I screamed for her, tearing back into her body, the venom needing an outlet, my body demanding more damage. Only when she was reduced to scattered chunks of white flesh and cloth in the grass did I register the hands on me, the hushed voices at my shoulder.

"It's okay, Bella, she's dead." That was Alice. Somewhere inside, I knew her voice. She didn't sound quite right though, through the lingering static in my head.

"We'll take care of it," said Esme, her sweet voice gentle.

I stepped away from the epicenter of the remains, letting their hands guide me, wiping at the venom coating my mouth and chin. My venom and hers. God, I needed to feed.

Colors other than red were leaching into my vision. Something was wrong with the world. It was too dull, too distant. I watched Rosalie and Carlisle piling up firewood in two separate places, ready to burn it.

Not it. Her. Victoria.

 _What have I become?_

If my knees could have buckled, they would have, but instead the world just tilted around me.

I'd wanted everyone safe. I'd wanted Victoria dead, too, if only for that reason. But I hadn't wanted to give into the rage, hadn't intended to become something so vicious. I'd enjoyed ripping her apart. There hadn't been a separate being inside of me clamoring for violence, some splintered fragment of my personality driving my actions. It had all been me.

"You can let go of him now," Alice said, somewhere close by. "He's not in danger of getting himself injured anymore."

"Bella?"

The sound of his voice drew me, instinct overriding everything, and I turned towards him. He remained at the foot of the steps, an island of stillness among the motion in the clearing, the one thing in sharp focus. Jasper and Emmett were stepping away, releasing him at Alice's instruction.

For a moment I teetered between one set of emotions and another, not sure which way I would fall. I was so  _angry_  that he'd left me, a vestigial rage wanting to tear into him as much as I'd torn at Victoria. I wanted to hurt him for his lies, for what he'd done to us. My heart wanted to shut itself away, safe from the risk of another bruising.

But whatever my head was thinking and my heart was feeling, my body was happy to see him, the ache in my chest turning into a delighted tug towards him. I could feel the edges of my emotional wound begin to knit themselves together. Every cell in me rejoiced in his presence.

That was why I ran from him. That, and the drying venom still on my lips.

I gave myself over to my senses, turning my lingering bloodlust into motion, propelling me through the undergrowth with a grace I'd have once been awed to witness. I sank into the power coursing through me, opening up my senses to the delights of the forest – sights and sounds and scents. I needed them, needed more than the distant world I'd sunk into, but they weren't enough for me to claw my way back out of the void entirely.

He chased me. I didn't need to hear his footsteps or his voice calling for me; the ache near my heart knew that he was keeping close to me. When he didn't catch up to me in the first minute of pursuit, I knew we were evenly matched for speed. I couldn't pull away from him but he wouldn't let me escape either.

I passed the boundary of our usual hunting grounds, but didn't pause to consider before crossing them. I needed to be away from Edward, away from the bonfires they were creating to burn Victoria to ash, away from the destruction I'd caused. Even now, the sickly sweet smell of the fire was perfuming the air.

"Bella!"

My limbs reacted to the sound of his voice, causing me to miss a stride. That voice had hummed my lullaby on so many nights, been the soundtrack to my dreams and, later, my nightmares. Even at this distance, with some unknown emotion twisting its beauty, it was the loveliest sound on earth. Everything about him would be more alluring to me now, now that I had the full capacity to appreciate everything he was.

I pressed on, praying that my falter wouldn't allow him to catch up. I couldn't face him until I'd worked through this, gotten rid of everything churning through me – the fear and doubt and the need to kill. I needed a clear head before I could talk to him, so I could face him as an equal.

Red descended again as the pain in my throat exploded, and in a second I was on the trail of the scent I'd crossed, all the venom suddenly having a use. This was a  _good_ scent, sweeter by far than deer or mountain lion, promising to finally sate me.

Then I heard his shouts and it pulled me back to my human side. I veered in the opposite direction of the scent, the action taking every last shred of willpower I had. I was the quarry here, not the hunter.

I'd already killed today. Once was enough.

The longer I ran, the more I kept crisscrossing the paths of other people who had been here, and the more it happened, the easier it became for me to ignore the call. It wasn't just Edward's pursuit keeping me tethered to reality. Whatever madness had come over me earlier was ebbing away, and with every opportunity to kill that I rejected, pride filled its place. If I could do this – and I  _was_  – then maybe I wasn't such a monster.

Jasper had warned me how easy it was to lose control in the heat of the moment. That's all it had been. It was better that Victoria died than I did, or someone I loved.

There was the sudden tang of saltwater on the breeze and I knew I'd reached my destination. The trees thinned so I could see the grey-blue expanse of the ocean, and I kept running to the cliff's edge, launching myself over in a graceful dive to the water below. If only Jacob could have seen me.

The impact of the water knocked the breath from my lungs but it didn't matter, since I didn't need the air. The salt didn't sting my eyes either, though the view wasn't clear because the water was far from crystalline. After taking a moment to catch my bearings, I rolled onto my stomach and pushed away from the cliffs, striking out for the ocean.

Something clamped around my waist and I kicked out, fighting against the force dragging me upwards. I broke away only to be recaptured, still struggling as I broke the surface.

"Damnit, Bella!"

All the fight went out of me.

I was face to face with Edward. If I thought that Carlisle was angelic, then Edward was godlike – beautiful even in apparent anger, his fierce black eyes and the dramatic shadows beneath them doing nothing to lessen the effect. Water poured down his face, flattening his hair to his scalp and turning it the rich, deep color of wet earth. I followed the trail of one droplet with my gaze, over his cheekbones, past his full lips to his jaw, down his neck to his exposed collarbone. I wanted to trace its path with my tongue and it took every ounce of strength not to act on that urge, lingering anger acting as my anchor.

What affected me most of all was his scent. Whereas before it had always been indescribable, sweet and rich, now I didn't know where to begin describing it. As powerful as the lure of blood yet totally different, it was thick enough that I felt like I should be able to wrap it around me. It was having a profound effect on my body – it always had; I wanted to wrap  _Edward_ around me.

It was clear he was studying me as openly as I was studying him.

"Your eyes," he said, breaking the spell. I blanched and glanced away, causing him to raise a hand from the water and reach for my face. I ducked away from his touch.

"I'm sorry," he continued, "it's just a shock seeing you like this. They'll fade."

I broke out of his arms, pushing away from him. "They'll never be brown again."

"That's not what I meant." He didn't sound apologetic anymore. He sounded like he was about to lose his patience.

"Didn't you?"

He gripped my wrist, trying to reel me in closer. "Please come back to shore. We need to talk."

I peeled his fingers off, ignoring the electricity flaring across my skin where he touched me, but didn't move any further away. "I'll come." It was going against my instincts, which were (mostly) telling me to keep swimming away, but to do that would be childish. I'd wanted to see him for weeks,  _months_. I had to stay and face this.

I swam back in the direction of the beach, ignoring him. It was after midday but the sun hadn't made much of an appearance, leaving the sky cloudy and dull. The beach, more rock than sand, was empty. I rose from the surf without bothering to shake the excess water off my body, heading for an outcropping just on the edge of the tide line.

Only when I was seated did I glance over at Edward, who was still in the water with the waves lapping around his calves, gaping at me. I followed his gaze down to where my wet t-shirt had molded itself to my body. I wasn't wearing a bra underneath it.

I crossed my arms, covering myself up. Was he comparing my changed body to my new body? I didn't want to chance seeing the negative reaction crossing his face, so I averted my eyes and focused on a piece of driftwood tossing in the surf.

Underneath the scent of the water permeating the fabric of my t-shirt, I could still smell the old me coating it. It had mostly been washed away, but not completely. I was glad I'd been into the water before Edward had been able to smell it – not that I knew whether it would have pleased or repelled him. I didn't want either reaction right now.

"Why are you here?" I asked. His scent had strengthened out of the water, and I stopped breathing so he didn't distract me by being all tempting. I should have asked Alice about how this  _thing_  between vampire couples worked.

"Why am I here?" He gave a sharp laugh.

"How are you here, then," I amended. "And why didn't Alice see you coming?"

He finally stepped out of the surf and I listened to his quiet footfalls in the sand as he approached me. I wanted to ogle the way his wet clothes clung to him, but kept my eyes deliberately turned away.

"I think she was too preoccupied with making sure your ridiculous plan was going to work. When I got in range to hear her thoughts, they were filled with Victoria's decisions and how that would affect you. Since I still had half a mind to turn around right until I got to the house, she obviously didn't realize I was on my way."

"Why didn't you call us to let us know that you were coming, then?"

He winced. "I may have crushed Esme's phone. I was holding it when she told me that you were going to try and kill Victoria."

"You didn't bother finding a payphone?"

"It was more important getting here as soon as we could. We got the first flight to Vancouver, then the first ferry out here. I wanted to be here before Victoria was, to stop you going ahead with your plan. What were you thinking, Bella?"

I huffed and ignored the question. "I bet it was a shock when Esme found you."

He sat beside me on the boulder, leaving enough space between us that we couldn't brush against each other accidentally. My entire body hummed at having him so close.

"Shock was the only reason she caught me. She was waiting at the inn – this dirty little backstreet place in Rio – when I got there and before I could leave, I heard her in my head.  _Bella is like us_. I didn't move for five minutes. The manager thought I was having a fit. When Esme reached me, there was no point running again. I needed to know."

In my peripheral vision, his hand shifted closer to mine on the rock, our pinkies a hair's breadth apart.

"Why, Bella?" There was curiosity in his voice, wonder, but a note of sadness too. "Why did you choose this?"

I watched the driftwood, and a crab scuttling into the water, trying to think how to sum up my decision succinctly.

"I needed to protect people. And even though I thought you'd left me forever, I still wanted you."

"I'm sorry," he murmured, and when I glanced up he was closer than I expected, his lips mere inches from mine.

"I won't deny that this is a shock, but that doesn't mean I'm unhappy. This isn't what I wanted for you, but if it means I can have you forever then it can only be a good thing." His voice was soft, the words a melody, wrapping me in sensation. All it would take is one tilt of the head –

I put my fist through the rock. It was better than aiming it at Edward's face. He jumped at the  _crack_  and I leapt up, striding away before I did something I'd regret.

"I can't believe you!" I began. "You think a  _kiss_  will make everything better? I begged you to turn me into a vampire and you refused, but now that I am one it's a-okay? And why? Because it makes you happy! We've been talking for five minutes and you're already criticizing my choices. I knew it was risky taking on Victoria but I was protecting people that I care about. That, apparently, is an alien concept to you."

"Don't be ridiculous, Bella. I  _left_  to protect you."

"Well done! I still ended up a vampire. Do you know why I'm a vampire? Because you were so determined to protect me from you that you forgot to protect me from the vampire that actually wanted to kill me. Did you not care that Victoria might return to Forks?"

"Of course I cared!" he yelled. "Finding Victoria was the only thing keeping me from curling into a ball for the rest of eternity. Why do you think I was in South America? She led me there."

"So why was she in Forks and you were still in Rio?"

"I'm not a tracker. I lost the trail."

"That's amazing. You do a half-assed job of making sure I don't die and instead leave me, Charlie and the wolves –"

"Wolves?" His voice had gone very soft and deadly.

"Yes, Edward, wolves. You know, the Quileute pack you had the treaty with? Good thing that treaty only extended to the Cullens or Laurent would have had me for lunch."

He let out a strangled sound at my flippant announcement, then cut it off, taking a deep breath, continuing in a calmer voice.

"This generation of the tribe have begun shapeshifting?"

"Just before you left. Their alpha found me in the forest when you left me."

"In the forest? Bella, I left you yards from your house."

"And I chased you! Don't pretend you didn't hear me following you; I know  _exactly_  how good vampire hearing is now. No matter how fast you ran, you heard me calling for you, and you kept going anyway."

"I'm sorry, Bella." He took a few steps towards me, but I backed away, keeping the rocks between us. "I was a coward. I just wanted to leave before I could change my mind. You know I didn't mean a word of it – it was all a lie."

"Oh, I know that now. It's all been explained to me. But at the time, it made perfect sense. You took my fears and you twisted them against me."

"It was the only way I knew to make you let me go," he whispered.

"Because you needed to protect me. Right. Well, here's the thing. I survived James trying to kill me. I survived Jasper wanting to kill me. But I didn't survive you leaving me. Cuts and bruises and breaks couldn't compare to the damage you did to me. When you left me that night and I couldn't find you, I lay down on the forest floor and hoped to die."

I could see the words "I'm sorry" forming on his lips again, but my glare stopped them from being voiced.

"I lost months of my life pining for you. I might as well have died, for all the living I was doing. The only person that really helped me was Jake, and even then I was still only half-alive."

"Jake? The Quileute boy?"

"Yes. He and the pack, they were the only people I could rely on."

"You were spending time with werewolves?" he said, his voice choked with horror. "Do you know what could have  _happened_?"

"I'm alive, aren't I? Completely unmaimed. I didn't even know they were wolves at first – even Jake didn't know until it happened to him. Don't look so shocked – I didn't exactly have anyone else to turn to since you'd ripped away my best friend and family. Without the wolves, I'd have done something  _really_  crazy, like thrown myself off a cliff. I owe my life and my sanity to Jake."

Something in the way I spoke about Jake made Edward look at me strangely.

"Do you love him?" he whispered.

"Jake? He's my best friend. Or he was – he doesn't exactly like vampires."

"That's not what I asked."

"He gave me my life back. How could I not love him? Do I love him like I love you? No." Edward visibly relaxed. "Why do you think I'm here, in this form? If the wolves went up against Victoria, any of them could have been hurt, or worse. I couldn't let that happen."

"Is that the only reason?"

"You know it's not."

"You said you love me. Present tense, not past." There was raw tenderness in his voice, a gentleness I hadn't heard from him in so long.

"You think that would ever change? You always put so little stock in the way I felt, just because I was human."

"That's not fair, and it's not true."

"Really?"

He held my gaze, his expression earnest. "I always believed you. Part of me hoped you'd never change your mind and part of me hoped you would, so you would walk away from all of this. But I never doubted the way you felt about me or how strongly. I never saw your humanity as a weakness, Bella. It was always a strength in my eyes."

"Well, I'm not human anymore."

We stared at each other for minutes, the crash of waves and cries of gulls the only soundtrack to the moment.

"Where do we go from here?" he asked eventually.

"Home."

"Is that it?"

"No. We've got a lot to work through, but I think I've had enough for one day. I need to hunt and we need to make sure everyone knows we're okay."

"Alice probably already knows," he reminded me, "and we could hunt right here."

"I need to be careful."

"Please, Bella, let's stay a little longer," he implored. "I want to spend time with you."

I wanted to spend time with him too, but there was a hunger in his gaze that made me think of times before he left, of heated kisses broken off before they could become too involved. Of my pleas for more and his steadfast refusals. Always, his reasoning had been that he didn't want to hurt me.

I was less breakable now. Had that changed how Edward saw me; what Edward wanted from me? It wasn't that I didn't want that with Edward – I always had. My body wanted it as much as it wanted blood. It was my head holding me back. One conversation wasn't enough to repair the damage that had been done, and I realized that I didn't trust Edward anymore. I'd seen how easily he could lie, and I was wondering if what he was saying even now was true. Was he lying to me even with his expression? Was he telling me what he thought I wanted to hear?

"We can spend time together at the house. Come on." I launched myself into the shallow water, dashing through the surf and leaping from rock to rock until I reached the foot of the cliffs, ignoring his concerned shout as I began scrambling up the cliff face.

He was waiting for me at the top. I'd heard him sprint up the beach and through the woods. "Are you insane?" he asked.

"Probably." He held out his hand to help me over the ledge. I dragged myself up without it. "I'm also a lot less fragile these days."

He shook his head. "If this is what life with you is going to be like now, I might lose my grip on my own sanity."

The run back to the cabin was silent, but I could feel the tension in Edward whenever we came near the scent trail of a human. He kept me grounded in reality, just like he had before, his mere presence more compelling than anything else we came across. To ease the temptation, though, it was easier for me to launch myself after the first deer we came across.

Afterwards, I wiped the trace of blood away from my mouth, aware of the way Edward was watching me. I had my back to him, but I could feel his stare all down my spine. Every part of me was aware of every part of him. Watching me feed couldn't have been pleasant.

"Sorry," I said. "Self-control isn't my strong suit at the moment. We should go." I was sprinting away before I could let my hormones (did I still have those?) dictate my actions.

Alice knew everything that had gone down before we even reached the cabin, of course, and I was met with a round of hugs for resisting temptation. Even Rosalie attempted a smile.

The only trace of Victoria was the charred areas of grass where the fires had burned.

"Edward," Carlisle greeted him. "Welcome home."

He was met with a glare, and I knew immediately what this was about.

"Don't you dare," I hissed at Edward, who dropped the death-glare but still looked decidedly sullen.

"We should all hunt," Esme suggested as an awkward silence settled over the living room. "Edward, how long is it since you've fed?"

"It doesn't matter," he replied, studiously not looking at anyone.

"How long?" Carlisle asked him, and I stepped into Edward's eye line, letting him know I wanted an answer.

"September," he muttered.

Stunned silence met his answer. Everyone in the room was exchanging shocked glances. I couldn't even imagine not feeding for a week, and Edward had gone for months. It explained the vivid shadows under his eyes and the way his irises didn't even hold the slightest hint of amber to them.

"That was a brilliant move," Rosalie snapped, and Edward raised his eyes to scowl at her.

"Okay, we really all should hunt then," Esme said, heading off the argument. "I didn't have much opportunity when…in South America, and everyone else seems to have been busy, too."

We headed out into the forest, fragmenting into twos and threes. I stayed with Alice and Jasper, leaving Edward to tag along with Carlisle and Esme. As our groups split away, I heard Edward whispering to Esme.

"I just need to speak to him alone. Could you give us five minutes?"

"Edward…"

"Please, Esme. Just five minutes."

She sighed and stayed where she was, and Edward followed Carlisle into the trees. Alice glanced back to see why I'd stopped walking, and a moment later gestured for me to go after them.

Stealthy as I could be now, Edward would probably sense me coming, but I knew what he wanted to talk to Carlisle about. No matter how much he'd told me that my change didn't matter, he obviously wasn't happy with Carlisle for going ahead with it.

"You knew how I felt about it, Carlisle. Why would you go behind my back like that?"

Bingo.

"I wasn't aware I was going behind your back." Carlisle sounded like he was trying very hard to control his temper. "You weren't around to consult on the matter. Besides which, it was Bella's decision. She asked me to do it and gave me a very convincing argument."

"Which was?"

"For her to share with you. It was inevitable anyway, Edward, whether you see that or not."

"No, it wasn't. Everything I did was to make sure she got to live her life."

"Yet you never asked her if that's what she wanted. You ignored her views on the subject completely and didn't wait around to watch the impact your decision would have on her."

"You know why I left, Carlisle, and it was for nothing!"

"If you had listened to us in the first place, we might not be here at all, but we are. Tell me, Edward, what would you have done if Victoria had got to Bella? What if she'd finished her?"

"You know."

They were both silent for a long time. "You don't know that the Volturi would have agreed to anything," Carlisle said eventually, "not with you being gifted."

My heart froze. Edward had mentioned the Volturi to me all those months ago; the leaders of the vampire world, who often acted as executioners, as Alice had elaborated in the past few weeks. Vampires who had grown tired of eternity sometimes deliberately incited their wrath to bring about their own death. Which meant…

"And there you have why I had to do it, Edward," Carlisle continued. "Not just for Bella, but for you, for the whole family. I couldn't have a situation where you would seek your own death."

Edward let out an incoherent roar. "You had no right!"

My temper snapped and I stepped out from the trees. "No, Edward,  _you're_  the one who doesn't have the right. Have you not been listening to a word Carlisle has been saying?"

"You don't understand what you've chosen," he yelled.

I matched his roar, putting all the frustration I felt into it. "Would you just shut up? Every time you speak, you belittle what I've chosen. Do you really think that little of me, of what I think, what I choose?"

"No, Bella –"

"Edward," Carlisle interrupted, "I think it would be wise for you to hunt. Then maybe you can both have a reasoned conversation."

Edward opened and shut his mouth a few times, glaring at the both of us before letting out a terse "Fine" and turning on his heel, disappearing into the trees.

"How much of that did you hear?" Carlisle asked as I approached him.

"Most of it," I said. "I heard what you said about why you changed me. It makes sense. You were protecting your family."

"Bella –"

"It's okay. It doesn't upset me. I understand, even. I had no idea that Edward was planning to do that if something ever happened to me. I mean, he mentioned it once before he left, but I thought the notion would have long since passed him by. The thought of him seeking death, even if I was already dead, doesn't bear thinking about. You made the right choice."

"Bella, I was going to say that I consider you part of the family. I have since we knew how Edward felt about you."

"Oh." Right at that moment I wanted to hug Carlisle, but I still didn't quite trust my strength. "Thank you."

We hunted together and when we returned to the house, Edward was waiting on the porch, still looking sulky but with his eyes the stunning topaz shade they should have been. If only he knew the power he held with his eyes that color, he'd have me forgiving him and falling into bed within minutes – if he even wanted that.

Carlisle uttered something about finding Esme and disappeared, leaving us alone.

"I'm sorry," he murmured as I climbed the steps.

"It's not me you need to say it to," I replied.

"I know. I'll apologize to Carlisle later."

"Do you even know what you're apologizing for?"

"I do. I promise, I really do. I've been so stubborn, and I was convinced that I was doing the right thing. I was just trying to do the right thing."

He looked so lost, I wanted to climb into his lap and wrap myself around him, but stayed stubbornly halfway down the steps.

"You can't make decisions for me," I said. "If something is going to affect me – if it's going to change my entire life – I need a say in it."

"I'm sorry, Bella. I'm so sorry."

"Stop saying it, not unless you mean it."

"I mean it. I really, really mean it."

 **'***'**

The next few days were an awkward dance. I was avoiding Edward, wanting as much time as possible to work things through in my head, but he was everywhere I went. I couldn't even rely on Alice as my ally, because Edward was picking up any conversation I decided to have with her straight from her head.

"We will move past this," he told me as I sat on the porch, trying to pen another letter to Charlie. "You need to forgive me first, so I need to know what to do to earn that forgiveness."

"I don't know," I said. "I just need time."

I really didn't know. Spending time around him was helping, getting used to his presence again. It was a constant test of self-control, because every time I caught his delicious scent, I wanted to be close to him, as close as we could get. There were moments when it was too overwhelming and I had to ask him to give me room for a little while. The look of hurt on his face whenever I asked for space was almost too much to bear, but if I caved and told him I forgave him without being sure of it, someday it would become a problem between us.

After one of those incidents, he left for almost a full day, taking the jeep. I was alarmed until Alice promised me that he would be back, and sure enough he was home soon after dark.

This dance between us distracted me from the passing time. It was only when Alice insisted we celebrate two months of me being a vampire that I realized Edward had been back for two weeks, and we were no closer to resolving anything.

"You should go hunt together," she suggested. "You haven't spent any time alone with him at all. He's not going anywhere, Bella. He'll never leave you again unless you send him away. You need to give a little."

Time wasn't really helping. The war of confusion between my head, heart and body continued unabated, and if I was going to take anyone's advice, it would be Alice's.

We ran far away from the house, because I knew that Edward loved to run and this was something we could enjoy together. It also meant I could avoid conversation for a little longer. It was pleasant enough just to spend time around him and enjoy his presence without thorny issues ruining the atmosphere.

It didn't last though, and Edward requested that we walk back after feeding so we could talk.

"Why did you run?" he asked, and I didn't need him to clarify what he was talking about. He meant the day he came back.

"I was scared."

"Of what?"

"Facing you."

"You thought I'd reject you?"

"You were so adamant that I was never going to be a vampire, and then you saw me rip Victoria apart. A small part of me wondered if what you really wanted from me all along was to stay human because that's what you wanted – my humanity, not me. Then the moment you came back, I was disgusted with myself because of what I'd just done."

"You thought I'd be disgusted by you?"

"You'd just seen me turn into a killer. I was wondering what I'd become, and I thought I'd disgust you by becoming what you never wanted me to be."

"Bella, I love you. Nothing could change that. The only thing I felt was fear that you would get hurt – and maybe a little pride. You beat her. You survived. Right at that moment, I was thanking the universe and every known deity that I was near you again."

"That's the first time you've said it, you know."

"Said what?"

"That you love me. You've said 'I'm sorry' a lot, but never that."

"I'm s..." He halted and I stopped walking too, finding a hemlock to lean against. "I suppose I thought it was because it was obvious, that I didn't need to say it. Which is just stupid of me. It's true, though. I love you. I never stopped loving you."

There was nothing to compare to how his declaration made me feel, but I swallowed down the heady excitement.

"You used to say it all the time."

"I think I was waiting for a sign. I didn't know how well you'd react to me saying it. You know you've opened the floodgates now, though? I won't be able to stop saying it."

His smile was soft, full of gentle promises that made my belly flutter.

"It's better than constantly apologizing."

I set off again, not waiting to see if he followed me, but he did. "Do you still feel the way you did that day about what you've become?"

"No. She'd have done the same to me if she could have."

He shuddered. "You have no idea how hard it was to see you in her grip like that."

"They were holding you back," I said, remembering him struggling against Jasper and Emmett's grip.

"They had to. Alice was shouting at me – in her head, at least – to let you deal with it, that I'd only make things worse. If I got in the way either you or Victoria were going to take a piece out of me – more likely you – but I didn't want to listen."

"I'm glad you couldn't get to me. I'm not sure if I would have recognized you and stopped."

"You would have. The bond is more powerful than you think."

The bond. It was the first time either of us had voiced it out loud. I presumed it meant that he felt the connection between us as much as I did. Had he felt it before I changed? I'd had the wound – that awful, ripped open feeling in my chest – even as a human. What had leaving done to Edward? If everything had been heightened for him, how had he survived leaving me?

He didn't know, unless he was watching it in Alice's head, that I was fighting through every moment not to throw aside my reservations and promise him eternal devotion. Whenever I was in his presence, it took everything I had to appear calm, when underneath I was teetering between emotions. Just like every else since my change, the way I felt about Edward was more intense, something that sometimes felt to immense I would be crushed under the weight of it. The only way I could unleash it was when I hunted.

"Would this be easier," he asked, "if I'd come as soon as Esme called me the first time? If I'd been here when you woke up from your change?"

"Maybe. Maybe not. I think my mood swings would have ended up causing you damage somehow." Edward smiled briefly but then carried on earnestly.

"Still. I'm sorry I missed it, Bella. I should have been there for all of it, helping you adjust. Those are memories we could have had together and it's all because I'm a stubborn ass."

"You were being you." I shrugged. "It might have been easier at first, because I would have been so pleased to see you that everything else would have been brushed aside. But later on the cracks would have appeared and we'd have ended up here anyway."

We fell silent, but the rest of the walk back was less tense than any amount of time we'd spent together since his return.

At the house, the jeep and Rosalie's rental car were idling on the drive. Carlisle waited beside the jeep.

"You're going somewhere?" I asked.

"We all are," he replied. "Except for you and Edward. The island can't support us for much longer, so we're moving on to a home we own in Saskatchewan."

"But we're not coming?" I asked. Edward was very quiet and still beside me.

"Getting you across the continent would be too fraught at the moment," Carlisle said. "What you've achieved in so little time is fantastic, but you need to stay here and acclimatize more before attempting to travel. Alice will keep in contact."

She leaned out of the jeep's window. "It's for the best, Bella. Trust me."

I walked over to where she sat. "I'm not so sure about that."

"Bella, you need to reconnect with Edward. We're just getting in the way."

I sighed and stepped back. "I can't believe you're doing this."

"You'll thank me one day."

Edward joined me, and Alice stared at him very deliberately, giving one sharp shake of her head as Emmett revved the engine. He glared back stonily and she threw up her hands, the gesture clearly meaning "whatever." They were having a silent argument about something.

In the end she wound her window back up and sat back in her seat, arms folded, and there wasn't another word said between them. Edward and I watched them drive away, stillness settling over the clearing. I resisted the urge to run after them, screaming for them to come back.

"Never bet against Alice," Edward murmured, referring to her last words to me. I couldn't decipher his expression.

"I know," I said. "I just don't know where to start."

"Maybe I do." When I looked back at him, he was on one knee by my feet, a ring held out in his outstretched hand. "Marry me, Bella."


	5. Chapter Five

**Chapter Five**

When I didn't respond straight away, Edward asked me again.

"Bella? Will you marry me?"

He looked up from his place on the ground – one knee in the grass, the other with the ring balanced on it in its velvety box, sparkling at me. Edward radiated hope, even if there was a hint of resignation beneath his determination.

I took a step back, like I was protecting myself from all of that hope. He was trying to use it as a weapon, gambling that I wouldn't want to see him hurt.

Even after everything, I didn't want that, but it didn't change my answer.

"No," I said, looking away. In my peripheral vision I saw him slump, heard him release a soft sigh as he dropped to both knees, becoming a penitent at my feet rather than a suitor. In the split-second as I turned my head away, I saw the disappointment he wore, and the complete lack of surprise.

The muffled buzz of a vibrating phone echoed around us. It had to be his, because I still didn't have one. Even without the benefit of Alice's foresight, I knew who it was – Alice herself, texting Edward.  _I told you so_  or  _You idiot!_  This had to have been what their glaring match had been about.

"I'll keep asking, you know," he said, the promise fervent. "Until you say yes."

"It wouldn't fix things," I replied. "It would be like...like painting a wall that's crumbling on the inside. Eventually the rot is going to show through. It's going to be worse if we don't take care of it now."

"I know," he whispered, "but I don't know how to fix this."

"Neither do I," I confessed.

I finally looked back at him and all of that hope and determination had been replaced by sorrow, every bit as bright as the emotions they were swallowing. The ring had been put away. I fell to my knees in front of him, so close that the fabric of our jeans brushed as I moved.

"I'm sorry, okay?" I said. "I wish there was some wand I could wave to get past the way I feel, but there isn't. We have to deal with it."

He nodded and reached out to brush his fingertips over my cheek. My body blossomed at his touch, part of me uncurling like a flower at dawn, and I was torn between the twin instincts of leaning further into his touch or running from him. Again.

He must have seen those instincts rising in me, because the next second he had his arms around me, our bodies crushed together from chest to hip, his face buried in my neck. I stiffened and tried to pull away, but his scent was all around me. The soft puffs of his breath on my skin as he exhaled against me were delicate, and I melted around him, wrapping my arms around his waist to pull him to me tightly.

Being this close to him – and there was nothing sexual about the way we were holding each other – was like a salve being applied to all the wounds inside me. We fit together. He provided my body and battered psyche with all the comfort I'd been craving.

The only clue to the time passing – since we didn't have heartbeats to measure the time by – was the dipping of the sun below the tree line, casting us in early evening shade. It brought me out of the trance I'd been in, reveling in Edward's scent and closeness, and it seemed to do the same for him. Where he hadn't moved for hours, I suddenly felt his lips ghosting across the skin of my collarbone, a hesitant kiss that had the power of a lightning storm. It was like my body was trying to expand, push its way outwards. Everything felt too small, and Edward was too far away.

"No," I said, not willing to surrender yet. He stilled and I felt the long rush of breath in place of his lips, the drawn-out exhale of a silent sigh.

"I know," he replied, his words muted by the way his mouth still brushed against my skin as he spoke. I stifled the shivers it caused.

I relaxed my grip around him and he mirrored me, sitting back until we were merely face to face. As if he couldn't help himself, his fingertips found my cheek again, touching so softly that I couldn't control the tremor that passed through me. He was barely applying any pressure, his touch so light that I could have been imagining it, but it left a trail of tingles behind that seemed to cover my entire body in licks of ice and fire.

"I'm sorry," he murmured as I gave in, relaxing into the feeling. "I've been an idiot. I'll probably keep being an idiot, but then I never claimed to be perfect." He traced the line of my jaw and my spine threatened to turn into marshmallow. "You decided that I was, and that was just because I was like this. You must be able to see now that it's far from the truth, why I thought I never deserved you."

I thought about the way I'd felt after I'd killed Victoria, the horror at what I'd done. I remembered the way the world faded to red whenever I came across the scent of a human. I'd resisted the urge to kill so far, and Edward had given into it for an entire decade of bloodlust and violence. Then again, I'd never met my singer. Would I be able to walk away, the way Edward had when he met me? Would my slate always remain clean?

"I do see you more clearly," I said. "But I still see you more clearly than you do. Remember when you said that to me – that I don't see myself very clearly? Well, neither do you."

He opened his mouth to protest and I covered it with my fingers. He shivered himself, the rich gold of his eyes flooding black. I pulled away and spoke again before he could.

"You have flaws. You've made mistakes. That doesn't mean I still don't think you're perfect. For me, at least. You're perfect for me."

His face lit up in a smile so radiant it should have been visible on the other side of the universe. I forgot to breathe, but since I didn't need to anymore it wasn't important.

"That doesn't mean everything's cool between us," I said, trying to force sternness into my voice.

"I know," he replied, but his smile barely dimmed.

"We have to work on communicating. I have to learn to trust you. You have to learn to trust me and my choices." A sharp glance stopped his interruption. "We have to take things slowly."

"I know," he repeated. He leaned further away, breaking the contact between us, and I missed it immediately. "I think this will be good for us. We have to trust each other when you hunt. We'll learn that way."

I nodded. "I guess that was what Alice saw happening. Although she's off my Christmas card list for the next decade..."

He laughed, a real laugh with joy that thrummed along my skin, and I realized it was the first time I'd heard the sound in...how long was it? Perhaps before he left Forks. "She'll get over it. She just wants the best for everyone."

"Still. It's the principle." I sat back on my heels, ready to stand up. "We should probably go inside. Do you think they took the chessboard with them?"

"I don't really care." I glanced at him, confused by his words. He took my hand, exhaling so I got a gust of sweet breath, enough to make me lose my senses again. "In the interests of trust and honesty, there's one last thing I think we need to cover."

"Uh?"

"I kept you at arm's length when you were human, literally. We never really discussed the physical side of our relationship. I tried to make it clear to you that I was afraid of hurting you if I lost control, but I think – at least the impression I got – was that you thought I didn't really want you in that way."

This was not a conversation I needed to be having. Not when my head was spinning, and Edward's voice was like molten honey across my skin, and his eyes were that hungry shade of black.

"I need you to know that I wanted you." His fingers skimmed across the back of my palm, and I could feel that touch all over me. "As much as I wanted your blood, I wanted your body. Sometimes more. And that hasn't changed."

Try as I might, I couldn't find the words to reply.

 **'***'**

Our first evening alone after Edward's confession was...awkward. Neither of us brought the subject up again, but every time one of us looked at the other, it was clear we were thinking about it.

The chessboard was gone. We had to make do with books, which essentially meant Edward reading aloud, lest I destroy such a precious commodity. While he narrated  _To Kill a Mockingbird_ , I turned his words over in my head. I sensed the truth in them. Everything about his body language since he returned underscored that truth, but I still couldn't make myself believe him.

Finding a new routine with just the two of us wasn't easy. There were few distractions to be found and I didn't really need to feed on a daily basis anymore, so couldn't even call upon hunting as a way out of conversation. When we talked, it was about trivial things – the weather, the plants and animals we saw in the forest, the news in the headlines. We'd retreated from the common ground we'd found.

At least he hadn't kept to his threat and proposed again.

Frustration found him digging an old cassette player out of the attic – a genuine relic from the 80s, a huge Sony ghetto blaster that through some miracle still worked.

"See, this is why it pays never to throw everything out," he said as he rooted through a box of tapes that had been left to gather dust alongside the player. "Someday you just might need it."

He pressed the  _Play_  button down with a heavy click and after a few seconds of hiss, an old Fleetwood Mac song starting playing.

"You hated the 70s," I said.

"Every decade had its moments."

"I never did understand how you thought the 80s were better than the 70s. It all became so mechanical."

"The 80s had post-punk, which was arguably richer in a musical sense than the movement it grew out of. Besides, recording techniques improved by leaps and bounds. Do you have any idea how bad listening to a vinyl LP is with our hearing? Digital was such a relief."

"So you're saying that Madonna's conical bra had nothing to do with it?"

He shot me an unamused look. "That was the 90s – and Madonna never did anything for me. You want to know why the 80s were so good? Here." He stopped the tape and switched it for another one, and this time I didn't recognize the song at all.

"What is this?"

"It's Sparks," he replied. "And do you realize we're having a conversation?"

"Oh. I guess we are."

For a moment it looked like he'd killed it, just by pointing out how easy the words had been flowing, but a second later he lifted up another pristine cassette box in triumph. "Even better – Cocteau Twins. I don't think this has ever been released on CD."

"Maybe there's a reason for that...what on earth is a Bananarama?"

That first real conversation led to others, tentatively. Some were about music. Some were about TV, after Edward drove into town one day and returned with a glossy flatscreen and a DVD player. Sometimes they were even about our history. We went from awkward silence and stilted small talk, to near constant chatter, even if we were still avoiding the big stuff.

Soon I was remembering how easy being with him could be.

At first hunting together had been an exercise in restraint, each of us afraid to really let go in the other's presence, unsure of how our primal side would be received. Edward had already seen me at my worst after I killed Victoria but I wasn't keen for a repeat performance. That state couldn't last, though, and we quickly reverted to full on monster mode when feeding. During those brief moments when the world narrowed to delicious, hot blood, we were for once not each other's centre of attention. But sometimes, when I finished drinking before Edward, I would watch him stalk and attack, the sight doing something to my stomach and knees that was matched only by his smile. Seeing Edward unleashing all the power he was capable of – there was no other way of describing it, it was sexy.

Other times, when he finished feeding before I did, I felt him watching me in the same way.

Once I was quick enough to catch him. I had to back away from the intensity on his face, and before he could even retrieve the ring from his pocket, I cut him off.

"No. It's still no."

He didn't give up, though. That day marked another shift in how we acted around each other. First, he started asking me to marry him. It became a near daily occurrence, and I began to wonder if he was hoping to annoy me into changing my mind. When I asked him that once, he grinned and replied,

"It's as good a strategy as any."

Second, touch became as casual between us as speech. It was very  _platonic_  touching, and much of it was spontaneous, brushing against each other when we were close, fingers grazing when we handled an object at the same time, friendly nudges. At least some of the contact on Edward's side was deliberate – when he'd place his hand on top of mine, or let his fingers tangle in my hair, or his face dip close to mine. And the contact didn't scare me. It was comfortable as our banter about bad 80s music.

I didn't dwell too much on the second change. Things were moving in the right direction. It was slow progress, but at least it was progress.

Some weeks later, I found myself at the mirror in my room, staring in awe at my new eyes. My  _new_ , new eyes.

"Bella?" Edward enquired from downstairs. I'd come up to grab a book from the closet and caught sight of myself. I didn't look at myself often anymore, since there wasn't much need to when I was naturally stunning. "Are you up there?"

I heard his swift footsteps as he ascended the stairs, and I ran out to meet him.

I'm not sure what I was planning to do as I took a running leap into his arms: possibly land on his back, like a child or a monkey. In my giddy state, it didn't matter – not until I ended up with my legs wrapped around his waist, his hands cradling my butt, our faces dizzyingly close together.

"My eyes!" I squealed, the flush of excitement not letting our precarious position register straight away. "They're amber!"

"Yes," Edward replied, his voice almost hoarse, it was so quiet, "they are."

I suddenly registered where all our relative body parts were. Edward's own amber irises faded through dark honey, to burnt cinnamon, to pure black. I tried to untangle myself, but his grip tightened and he took a few steps forward, so I was pinned between him and the wall.

"Edward…I – we – uh – we shouldn't –"

His mouth caressed mine, barely touching, barely applying pressure. I wanted to give in so badly, let the kiss deepen and wash away the last year. But if I surrendered now, right now, it wouldn't just be a kiss. It would lead to more – to everything. It was obvious, the way our hips were pressed together, how Edward was feeling about the situation, and while my body echoed his excitement, this wasn't the way to go.

He tilted his face, ready to try again, and I turned my head away.

I felt, rather than saw, sense returning to him. The tension in his body went from one kind to another, and his head dropped to my shoulder.

"We shouldn't," he said. "You're right."

A moment later I was on my feet again, with plenty of space between us as he backed away. His face was carefully pleasant, his smile polite. "I didn't realize you hadn't seen them yourself," he continued, turning the conversation back to my eyes. "I'd have told you otherwise."

"It's okay. It was nice, discovering it like that."

"Well, there's no reason now not to try and get you used to being around humans,"

I stilled. If anything was going to kill my buzz, it was that. The idea of purposely being around a human being was terrifying; I really didn't want to know how good – or bad – my control was.

"Do you think that's a good idea? I mean –"

"Bella, you've got to try it sometime. If we don't do this on our terms, one day it'll happen by chance, and then we won't be prepared for it."

"Still, I don't think just heading to a town is the best way of going about this."

"It's not. We'll aim for a smaller settlement first – one of the lodges in the forest. Alice will tell us ahead of time if it's a bad idea."

He was right. I had to do this.

We didn't get chance to try out his plan, though. Fate had other ideas.

We'd started playing ball games out in front of the cabin, testing my skills. It was difficult to keep coming up with things we could play with just the two of us, but I was still a little awestruck at my new ability to throw and catch without causing injury to myself or others, so that made up for the monotony.

One particularly wet morning we were playing a simple version of catch, spiced up by seeing how high we could aim the ball – throwing them at the treetops and seeing if we could climb quick enough to catch them. It was my turn to throw, and as Edward scrambled his way up a spruce, he paused at the top before leaping down to land elegantly in front of me.

"Stay calm. There are some hikers not too far away, and I think they're heading this way."

"Are you sure?" But I could already hear them – the crunch of needles and twigs underfoot – and soon I could smell them too. I reached out to Edward and gripped his forearms, red flooding my vision. I had to be hurting him, but he didn't flinch. I gritted my teeth and forced my feet to stay planted on the ground.

They were definitely coming closer.

"I'll do all the talking," he murmured, and I used his voice as an anchor, fighting my way back through the crimson. I stepped into his arms, taking a deep breath of his scent from the base of his throat, holding it in my lungs.

It seemed to take the hikers – three of them, judging by the pulses – years to reach us, but it could only have been minutes. I couldn't have described them again if I wanted to – they were just three indiscriminate men, wrapped up in all the trappings of seasoned hikers, their pulses the one thing I was interested in. They thudded through me, out of sync and wonderful for it.

"Hi," one of them said, and Edward walked over to them, his smile and posture designed to calm them, even if their instincts clearly worked better than mine had as a human. They feared us, even if they didn't understand why. Their heartbeats sped up and the faint smell of fear rolled off of them.

Part of me relished the scent. It was the precursor to a good hunt – one flash of my teeth and their fear would spike further, the instinct to flee becoming hard to fight. The other, dominant, half was turned off by it. It wasn't a pleasant odor, no matter how much it appealed to the hunter. I clung to the disgust.

"Can we help?" Edward asked quietly.

"We're a little lost," the man replied, waving a map.

I let Edward handle it as he'd promised, sending the men off in the other direction, while I huddled in the shade of a hemlock, swallowing back venom and recoiling from that bitter scent.

When the men were far from our sight, and almost out of hearing range, Edward crossed the grass back to my side.

"Are you okay?"

I nodded and sank to my knees.

"I did it," I mumbled. "I didn't kill them."

"You didn't," he replied, "but I'm going to kill Alice for not warning us."

"No, she did right, even if she saw this happening. I didn't have chance to get myself flustered before it happened. I didn't have time to panic. I think that helped."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah." I let the euphoria sweep through me at the realization. I really  _had_  done it. It was only the beginning of what we had to do, but I sprang to my feet, using the momentum to hurtle me into a cartwheel across the grass.

I landed on my feet in a perfect dismount, taking a running jump at a very bemused Edward, which propelled us backwards into the tree. I ended up with my legs around him again, and giggled as he mumbled, "This again?"

"Yes, again," I said. "Only this time I might let you kiss me." As his eyes widened, I reconsidered. "No, actually, I think I'll kiss you."

And I did.

I let my excitement carry me along, but it felt right to do this. I'd asked Edward for space, he'd given it and time had done its work. It was just like facing my fear of being around a human; I had to take the chance and trust Edward again.

Surprise made his mouth tense, but he relaxed after a moment, his lips opening under mine. The kiss went further and lasted longer than any other we'd shared, the specter of danger no longer a third wheel. It led to other new boundaries, the vampire in me demanding everything I could take.

Afterwards, as we lay tangled in Edward's bed, he asked me to marry him again.

I told him maybe.

Maybe was enough for him to apply for a marriage license and for Alice to call me up to plan a wedding. I hung up on her and spent time exploring those boundaries with Edward.

The flip side of success was that we had to keep pushing me, seeing how well I could handle being around humans. We went out at night, slipping past houses and through small towns when everyone was safely tucked up inside, their scents strong but my willpower stronger. Then we switched to dawn, when a few people would be out and about, and gradually the hour crept later and later, until I was out in the closest town at noon, on a street full of people. I could only do it in small bursts, what with the immense concentration it required, but it was too easy for me to remember what I'd done to Victoria when we fought. I didn't want to ever do that to a human being.

I was confident enough that by September, I made a call to the city hall. On my nineteenth birthday I dressed myself in a white shift dress Alice had conveniently left behind, told Edward to wear a suit, and directed him to drive us into the town. It was only when we pulled up to park outside the neat little building with its sign announcing our destination, and I wiggled my fingers to show that I was wearing the engagement ring, that he realized why we were here.

"I've been practicing signing my name, you know," I told him, pulling the marriage license out of my purse. "Mrs. Isabella Cullen."

"You –"

"It's nearly a year since you left me," I interrupted as he seemed to struggle for words. "And since neither of us is going anywhere again, I think it's time we did this."

The ceremony was simple and short. I got through it holding my breath, releasing it only when I had to speak.

Alice was apoplectic afterwards.

I still had one last thing to do, to tie up the loose ends in my old life. I knew that I wasn't on any official missing person's list – I'd been an adult when I left, and left a note behind, so the police wouldn't be looking for me – but Charlie would. The paperwork for the marriage was in my real name, and sooner or later Charlie would come across it. We had to be gone before he came to Vancouver Island in search of me.

Alaska was calling us, under our new identities. We'd have privacy there that we wouldn't get with the Cullens, but wouldn't be quite so isolated. I had to say goodbye to Charlie before we left Isabella Swan behind.

I couldn't do it in person. The changes in me would be too obvious to him, would lead to questions I couldn't answer. The best I could do was a phone call, on a day when I knew he'd be at the station and he wouldn't pick up.

"Charlie Swan," came his gruff voice over the answering machine, "leave a message."

Short and to the point. God, I missed him.

"Hi Dad, it's Bella."

I gripped the phone and stared out across the lawn. Edward had given me privacy to make the call, even if he knew what I was going to say. He was cutting wood for the winter ahead, wood we wouldn't need. Carlisle sometimes let the cabin out to people. The family wouldn't be back here for years.

"I'm calling to let you know I'm okay. I knew you'd prefer this to a letter, so here I am. We're going overseas, and I don't think we'll be coming back. I might write to you again, I don't know. I just wanted to let you know, I'm happy.

"I'm sorry, too. I know I've put you through hell, and if I could've found a way to avoid it, I would have. Just…I'm sorry." I had to pause for breath, to gather the strength to continue. "I miss you. I love you. Thank you for…being you."

I curled up after I hung up, letting the rhythmic  _swish_  and  _thunk_ of the axe lull me as I sifted through my hazy human memories. I'd always hoped that one day I'd see Charlie again, but I knew now it could never be. Memories would be all I could take with me.

Charlie would try to trace the call, but he wouldn't be able to pinpoint the cabin, just the island. The cabin was, naturally, not in the name of anyone in the Cullen family, though it belonged to Carlisle and Esme. But I wanted him to come to the island, and find the evidence of my marriage, the proof of my happiness. I hoped that would comfort him.

He'd pass the message onto Renee and Jacob. Jake knew what had happened already, if he'd understood the last letter right. I hoped that Renee would see the positive side to all of this. Of anyone, she would imagine me running away and embarking on a great romance, travelling the world with Edward. She'd miss me, but she'd be happy imagining me enjoying life.

Wasn't it true, really? That was what I'd done. It was what I planned to do.

I'd gambled everything on Edward and won. There'd been problems along the way and there were bound to be more in the future. There was no guarantee, despite all my successes, that I wouldn't one day slip up and kill someone.

But it was all worth it compared to what my life without him would have been. When left, I'd seen no future for myself, no happiness, no love. Now, I had all of that and more.

Life – or existence as he insisted on calling it – was what you made of it, and I was bound and determined to be happy.

Together, we would be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, if you've stuck with me so far, thank you! That's the end of Red Shift and this will also be my last multi-chap Twific.
> 
> Huge thanks to Horizon77 for the original prompt. Also thanks to SugarBritches for the Sparks song - everyone needs to YouTube Angst in my Pants. It is quite obviously Edward Cullen's theme tune.
> 
> Also, if you asked Edward, he would say that the reason the Cullens own the complete Bananarama discography is because Alice loved them. He's a liar. They're so his.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading :).


End file.
